Lunatics Read Free Page B

was happening so fast, plus if I dropped the cage it might have injured the lemur, which I later found out was endangered. So the argument could be made from an ecology standpoint that I actually
rescued
this valuable animal, which the unstable lunatic had placed in a potentially hazardous situation vis-à-vis he was swinging a broken pole from a birdcage stand in its vicinity. I’m not saying that is my main legal position. My main legal position is that I was totally within my rights to defend myself.
    As you can imagine, by this point I was pretty upset, so I drove straight home. I have to say, as a person who just almost got his skull crushed, I was disappointed in Donna’s reaction.
    â€œA
lemur
?” she said. “I ask you to bring home wine and you BRING HOME A LEMUR?”
    â€œIt was self-defense,” I said.
    â€œCan we keep it?” said Taylor.
    â€œNO WE CANNOT KEEP IT!” said Donna, who gets excited (she is Italian). “I have SEVENTEEN WOMEN coming here in a half hour to discuss
Freedom
by Jonathan Franzen, and they will be expecting to drink WINE, so your father is going to TAKE THE LEMUR BACK TO WHEREVER HE GOT IT FROM and BRING HOME SOME WINE LIKE I ASKED HIM TO or he is going to spend the REST OF HIS LIFE SLEEPING IN THE GARAGE.”
    â€œMom, you’re scaring the lemur,” said Taylor.
    â€œI can’t take it back,” I said.
    â€œYay!” said Taylor.
    â€œWhy not?” said Donna.
    â€œBecause the guy it belongs to tried to kill me,” I said.
    â€œAnd why would he do that?” said Donna.
    â€œWell, partly because I took his lemur.”
    Donna rubbed her face with her hands, starting high and then pulling down, so her mouth got all stretched out. It’s not an attractive look for her, but I have learned over the years not to point this out.
    â€œAll right,” she said. “Taylor, you will put the lemur in the basement . . .”
    â€œYay!” said Taylor.
    â€œ. . . for
now
. Tomorrow your father will get rid of the lemur.”
    â€œBut
Mom . .
 
.”
    â€œYour father will GET RID OF THE LEMUR, and I do not care how he does it. But right now he will GO GET SOME WINE. He will get a LOT of wine.”
    Which is what I did. There is no point arguing with Donna when she is being that Italian. I thought about mentioning to her that the lemur owner was the same asshole who called the offside, but I decided it was probably better if she didn’t know that. I figured she was never going to find out, because I had no intention of ever coming into contact with that lunatic again.

CHAPTER 5
    Philip
    I loved that lemur more than I loved my father-in-law.
    I try my best not to get emotionally involved with the animals in my pet shop. Through the years, I’ve learned that it will only lead to heartbreak due to the inevitability that sooner or later they will leave the store—either by way of a sale or (as in the case of that sickly Spanish Timbrado that I accidentally dropped and crushed with my heel when I grabbed the broken pole from a birdcage stand and took off after that racist maniac) feet first.
    So try as I may to maintain a purely professional relationship with all that crawl, hop, fly, lope, slither, or swim and regard them as mere inventory, there was something about that lemur that made me break my own rule. Why? Because it was endangered? Well, yes and no. Of course my heart goes out to any species that borders on extinction. I feel that way about polar bears, giant pandas, sunset frogs, Bengal tigers, Hawaiian monk seals, Egyptian vultures, Serpent Island centipedes, and Malagasy Giant Jumping Rats. But since I’ve never forged a personal relationship with any of them, I regret their impending demise but lose little or no sleep over it.
    With that baby lemur, however, from the moment it came into The Wine Shop, I felt an immediate connection. Perhaps it was his size (just