Lula Does the Hula Read Free

and watery to me,’ I said.
    ‘
And?
’ she spat. ‘AND! Look! There are rings! Deep blue rings from no sleep!’
    ‘Not my fault!’ I whimpered as she twisted harder. ‘Let go. Please.’
    ‘Angus loves my eyes!’ yelled Pen. ‘He says they’re my best feature.’
    I winced. Yikes.
    ‘If my best feature goes . . .’ continued Pen. I saw something flicker across her face as her voice petered out. Then her grip on my hair slackened and she pulled me out of the bath with a tired sigh.
    I could have headlocked her right then, but . . . well, she looked so sad. And small. I knew more than most that loving a boy is the first rung on the long and treacherous ladder of insanity. It looked to me like mysister could be halfway up already.
    ‘Oh, Pen, Angus adores you,’ I said warily, gently rubbing my scalp.
    Pen was about to say something when the door to my annexe smashed in. I was on my feet instantly, my most abrasive loofah at the ready, and Pen was yelling for help, clutching a mini-manicure nail file behind the bathroom door: ‘POLICE! POLICE! WE’RE BEING ATTACKED!’
    Footsteps thudded into the annexe and I made for the bathroom doorway, scratchy loofah raised. ‘Stay back, Pen!’ I hissed.
    ‘WHAT’S GOING ON? LULA?! LULA?! WHERE ARE YOU?’
    Pen came out from behind the door, her face grim. I groaned and rolled my eyes at my sister, who replied with a headshake and a sigh that puffed out her cheeks. ‘Dad. In here. You scared the bejeepers out of us.’
    My father lunged into the doorway looking frantically from me to Pen, back to me. He was holding a tennis racquet in his left hand and the carving fork in his right. His hair was all squashed up on one side and a mad fuzz on the other, but worst of all he was naked from the belly button up.
    ‘YOU WERE CRYING OUT!’ yelled Dad. ‘FOR HELP!’
    ‘Ew,’ said Pen, staring at Dad’s hairy torso. ‘Dad! You’ve got to Veet! Like, seriously.’
    ‘Calm down, Dad,’ I said. ‘It was just Pen attacking me.’ Dad lowered the racquet, but the carving fork stayed poised and there was still a crazy look in his eye.
    ‘PEN?’ he gasped. ‘ALL THAT NOISE WAS PEN?’ His chest began to heave.
    ‘Dad,’ I said, ‘you need to stop shouting. You’ll wake Next-Door Dan up.’
    Dad’s eyes bugged out a little and he lifted the carving fork ever so slightly.
    ‘Uh-oh,’ said Pen. ‘Boodle, let’s go.’
    ‘Mrwoh,’ said Boodle, shaking her head. She pawed at my elbow and looked up at me with big pleading eyes.
    Pen stared at her dog in shock and horror at the betrayal. ‘OH THAT’S JUST GREAT!’ she yelled, her eyes all shiny, her cheeks bright red.
    ‘Put the nail file down, Pen,’ I suggested. ‘Let’s all just take a deep breath here.’
    ‘YOU SEE?’ she shrieked at me. I widened my eyes and shrugged helplessly as Boodle pawed me again. ‘YOU SEE?’ she screamed at Dad. ‘DID YOU SEE THAT? SHE’S TAKEN CONTROL OF MY DOG! WELL –!’ She was looking desperately at Dad and I was dismayed to see there really were tears in her eyes.
    ‘Pen,’ I started.
    ‘Well –! Well –! FINE!’ And she stamped out of my annexe, pausing only to sidestep Dad’s hairiness. Heturned to follow her and I wasn’t far behind.
    ‘Wait, Pen!’ I called across the courtyard. ‘You need to know that Boodle –’
    She stopped in her tracks and whirled round. ‘Oh, so now you’re going to tell me about my dog?
You
are going to tell
me
? About
my
dog? Don’t even!’
    ‘Boy, oh, boy. This is not good,’ bumbled Dad. ‘Girls, come on, it’s 5 a.m., it’s the middle of the night.’
    CRASH.
    A window in the wall way above the annexe roof slammed open. In the fast fading light of the moon I could just about make out the sexily shaggy head of Next-Door Dan. ‘What,’ he rasped, ‘is going on out there?’
    ‘Oh, great. Priceless,’ said Dad, squinting up. ‘The boy next door is about to tell me off for noisy behaviour. I can’t stand