Lost and Found Read Free

weighed nothing. I could feel the van sway a little, but they assured me everything would be ok, so I tried not to cringe as my body was lifted out of the van. All of a sudden, I hear a commotion and someone yelled that they weren’t through securing something and I looked back toward the van from the gurney I was laying on and it was gone. GONE! GONE! All I could do was scream.
    “NO! DEREK! JEREMIAH! JORDAN! JENNA! NO! MY BABIES! NOOOOOOOO!”
     
    **********************
     
    I raise my head from my pillow and realize I’ve had a nightmare. THE nightmare! The same nightmare I’ve had for the past year and a half, since my whole world was shattered on that icy bridge. I hear footsteps in the hallway and a knock at the door.
    “Come in” I knew I had tears all over my face. I always do when I have my nightmare.
    “Sweetie... Are you ok? Oh I wish you could go a solid week without having a nightmare. I brought you some warm milk. I know it makes you feel better.”
    I took the glass of milk from Claudia's hands after I turned the lamp on and gulped it down in a matter of minutes and just looked at her. She has been my saving grace through all of this and she sure didn’t deserve to have to put up with all of my problems and weekly nightmares. She leans over and hugs me tight and lets me finish the cry that I needed to get out. Once I was able to compose myself, I started talking.
    “Claudia, I can’t take it anymore. All I keep hearing, every day, is Jenna asking in her sweet, sweet voice, “Promise Mommy?” “I broke that promise Claudia and they’re gone! They’re all gone! Why didn’t I just stay in the van with them?
    “I don’t know, honey, but you were saved for a reason. You just haven’t figured out why yet. Please don’t give up. You worry me, when you talk like that.”
    Well, I was starting to worry myself, because I just didn’t see what purpose I had in this life anymore. I sure didn’t say that out loud to Claudia, though. I know she has been talking to my parents and if I know them, they’re probably talking about sending me to therapy or worse, have me committed! I couldn’t bear the fact of moving back home, after everything happened. My whole world was in that car and just the thought of moving back to our old house without them there didn’t seem right to me. I had my dad sell our house and donated all of our furniture to charity and he and my mom shipped me all of our family pictures, and anything that meant anything to me. I put everything in storage and haven’t been able to look at anything. Claudia helped me with the funeral arrangements. I buried Derek and the kids at the local cemetery here, so I could be close to them. Derek and Claudia's parents had died years ago and it was just the two of them, so I didn’t have to deal with their family fighting with me about my choice.
    My parents, on the other hand, were a different story. I know I have broken their hearts and that even though I had lost my whole world, they lost a son-in-law that was like a son to them and their only grandchildren. I know they
    miss me and I miss them both dearly, but it was just too much to deal with. Staying here in Oregon was just easiest, and no worries of friends calling or coming over and asking if I’m doing alright and giving me that look. You know, the ‘oh I feel so sorry for her’ look.
    The town we lived in was so small, that just the idea of going to the grocery store and running into any of the kids teacher’s or coach’s, made me cringe. I know that their deaths affected a lot of people and everyone loved and missed them too, but I just couldn’t handle going back without them. So I asked Claudia if she minded me staying with her for a while until I got on my feet, and of course she didn’t mind. So here I am a year in a half later, still trying to sleep through the night, still trying to have a reason to get out of bed in the morning and still wondering why I didn’t die along