Losing It Read Free

harder.
    “Feeling, foaming
,” he mumbled, and turned over even further, was going to fall onto the floor in a second.
    “Bob, could you put Matthew back to bed? Please, honey?”
    “Huh,” he said, then flumped over the edge. She expected him to get up finally, take Matthew off her chest. But he stayed where he was, wedged between the wall and the bed, snoring, most of the blankets having gone with him in the collapse.
    Now it was cold. Julia struggled upright, held on to Matthew, swung her legs over the opposite side of the bed, stood up groggily. She carried Matthew into his room, fought to keep her balance as she leaned over the bed and put him down gently. Probably he needed a change, but she wasn’t going to bother. He was asleep, that was good enough. She tucked him in, started to tiptoe away, then returned and kissed him softly on his sweet hair.
    He opened his eyes and she nearly swore, but then they fluttered closed, soft as butterfly wings. Julia crept away.
    “Mama!” Matthew cried and she froze, held her breath. “Mama.”
    “Shhh, baby,” Julia whispered. She stood rooted.
    “Mama,” he said, but softly, dreamily. She didn’t reply but waited, counted off one hundred and twenty seconds until she could hear his breathing, deep and even. Then she took another step.
    “Mama!
” he yelled and started to cry, a choking sob.
    Julia turned. “Matthew,
no
, it’s time for sleep!” she said. He was starting to stand in his bed, was holding out his arms and wailing as if he’d been abandoned in the dust with wild dogs circling. “It’s time for sleep! This is ridiculous! God, you’re exhausted, why don’t you sleep?”
    She took him in her arms, held him, swayed back and forth as he sobbed into her shoulder, his breath choking and strained. “Oh, you are wet, you are soaking,” she said in her soothing voice. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. There, there.” The crying subsided gradually into a low-gear, throbbing moan, and she carried him over to the changing table in the corner of the room. But as soon as she put him down he wailed again, as unnerving as a siren. “Shhh!” she said, picked him up again, clutched him.
    Matthew reached inside her nightie. She could see that his eyes weren’t really open, he wasn’t quite awake.
    “No!” she said. “No, mister, no way! You’ve had enough. You’ve already drained me for tonight.”
    “Yes, nubbies,” he said. Eyes closed but burrowing his face between her breasts, looking for the opening.
    “No nubbies. We’ve done nubbies. I’m going to change you and then you’re going back to sleep!”
    But he was relentless, all yearning hands and mouth. She tried to put him down on the changing table again but he squirmed and fought. He was too strong. She knew she could drop him if she wasn’t careful. So she retreated to the rocking chair by the dresser, pulled her nightie off her shoulder and let him have some more of her right side. “Careful, oh, gentle, sweetie. Don’t chew!”
    He calmed down. He wasn’t really hungry. This was just psychological. After a time his lips went
glip glip
in a funny little pseudo-drinking motion. He liked having his hands on her breast too, it seemed – to be in control, tilt her this way and that.
Glip glip
.
    Gently, with Matthew still attached, she reached around and pulled down his plastic outer lining, then expertly undid the two pins. The cotton diaper was soaking but the diaper pail wasseveral feet away. She got up awkwardly, held Matthew with her left hand, and leaned back to balance him while she fought with the lid, then dropped the wet diaper into the pail. She could hear her mother’s voice – her old, sane, real voice – implanted in the back of her head. “No diaper service in my day. No disposables! I soaked them in vinegar and washed them in boiled water and hung them out on the line white as lilies. It’s no wonder you love me so much!” Julia could almost feel her mother’s fingers