Last of The Summer Wine Read Free Page A

canoe turned over, it was every man for himself. I managed to get leverage on Bill Owen’s head and lift myself out of the water.’
    PETER SALLIS (Clegg)

    COMPO: How do, Wally.
    WALLY: ( Sees Foggy’s tabard ) What’s this then? Have I missed something? Is it National Swiss Week?
    FOGGY: Sit down, if you’re stopping.
    WALLY: I might, if you’re not going to start yodelling. He’s not going to start yodelling, is he?
    FOGGY: Sit down. Nobody’s going to start yodelling.
    WALLY: Oh, they do, you know—they yodel. You can see it on television. They’re not there two minutes before they start yodelling.
    COMPO: ( Dropping the hint to Foggy ) Well, er, hang around Wally, if you’ve got the time, we might get a drink.
    WALLY: ( Referring to Foggy ) Keeps it in a little barrel round his neck, does he?

‘CAR AND GARTER’
    Compo, Clegg and Foggy are relaxing on a hillside, as Foggy explains why he remained a bachelor.
    CLEGG: How did you manage to avoid holy wedlock in that cunning manner, Foggy?
    COMPO: Yeah. He were terrified.
    FOGGY: It’s just one of the sacrifices you have to make. No little woman waiting by the cottage door. Never the patter of tiny feet. Not being able to go browsing round Mothercare. These are just some of the snags of being a professional killer.
    COMPO: Tha were a Corporal sign-writer.
    CLEGG: Yes. But you should have seen him sharpen his pencil.
    M EMORIES …
    ‘I’d worked on a drama with Peter Sallis and wanted him as Clegg. The other actors had to be old enough to be retired. We got Peter and then Jimmy Gilbert called suggesting Bill Owen as Compo. I thought it was an awful idea because I’d only seen him play cockney characters in films. But Jimmy had seen him playing northern parts in theatre and talked me into it—I’m glad he did.’
    ROY CLARKE
    ‘I inherited the programme from Sydney Lotterby and had always been a fan. It was refreshing to have a series which wasn’t studio-bound. It was like winning the lottery, the nicest thing that had happened to me.’
    ALAN J W BELL (Producer/Director)
    ‘Kathy Staff and I got so fed up with Compo showing us his little matchbox that we asked how many more times we had to leap in the air with surprise. We’d screeched our way through five years so must have been accustomed to it by now. After that, he started showing it to people who hadn’t seen it-what-ever it was he kept inside!’
    JANE FREEMAN (Ivy)

‘THE ODD DOG MEN’
    Sid and Ivy are in their café’s kitchen, trying to open a crate.
    IVY: Open it carefully.
    SID: I am opening it carefully!
    IVY: Well, I don’t want it scratching before we even start.
    SID: You’ve started already.
    IVY: Yes, well you can’t just go digging in like a lunatic, with that screwdriver.
    SID: Well, pass me something sharper- like your tongue.
    Compo, Clegg and Foggy are with Wally, enjoying tea and walnut cake, in Nora’s kitchen. Clegg becomes uneasy on seeing Nora beckoning to him through the window.
    CLEGG: ( To Foggy ) Do you ever stop to wonder if there are other beings watching us from out there?
    FOGGY: I think it’s highly unlikely.
    CLEGG: Oh, I wish I was as sure as you are.
    FOGGY: Well, it stands to reason. Well, if there was anything out there it would be doing its best to communicate with the more intelligent among us—and I’ve never heard a word.
    CLEGG: Then you don’t think that there are strange forms of life, beyond our comprehension, watching every move us humans make?
    FOGGY: ( Chuckles ) No.
    CLEGG: Well, in that case, I think your wife wants you, Wally.
    WALLY: ( Nervously ) You think…Would you like to make sure? I should hate to go if it’s not necessary.

‘A BICYCLE MADE FOR THREE’
    Compo, Clegg and Foggy are out walking when Compo stops to sit down.
    COMPO: Hang on a minute, I’ve got something sharp in my welly.
    FOGGY: It would have to be sharp to survive that.
    Compo removes his welly to reveal a very bright pink sock.
    CLEGG: Wow! It’s sharp