Keeping Never Read Free Page B

I cannot fuck this up.
    “ I love you,” I say simply. “And I know you'll make the right decision, no matter how hard it is, no matter if it cuts you into pieces, because you have to believe that I'll be there for you in the end.” Ty squeezes my hand, pulls it to his lips and kisses it with a butterfly's soft touch.
    “ Wear a white dress for me?” Ty asks, and although his gaze is still dark and his eyes are swimming with fear, he seems a bit more like himself.
    “ White is for virgins,” I say. “And liars. I'm neither of those things.” As soon as I say it, as soon as Ty laughs and smiles a sad, dimple free smile, I feel sick. If I do not tell him about this baby, then I am a fucking liar, through and through. I'm breaking the one, golden rule that Ty and I have set for one another. I lick my lips and try to search my lover's facial expression for proof that this is a good time, that this is okay now, but I don't want his thoughts and feelings and decisions tainted by pain and confusion and hurt, uncertainty and old demons. “Okay,” I say with a sigh. “White. Off-white, but you're wearing a tux.”
    Ty's dimples flicker for a moment and disappear into the lush, perfection that is his face. At least his mother gave him that. Ty is a beautiful specimen of humanity. He taps the box of rescued cigarettes against his palm a couple of times and says, “Can I quit tomorrow?” I smile at him and nod, watching as he slides out my favorite forbidden treat and places it between his lips. When Ty goes to light up, his hands shake, and I'm forced to take the lighter from him and flick the silver wheel. Flame sprouts from my fingers as I lift the purple plastic to my lover's mouth and watch the tip of his cig catch. I take a cigarette, too, and put it between my lips, letting it hang there like somehow it will help my cravings.
    “ If I don't see her, I'll always hate her like this, won't I?” I nod, but that's all I do. Ty is working his way through this, piece by piece. “Fuck me, Never, this sucks.”
    “ Life sucks,” I say as Ty pulls out his cig and looks over at me, bracelets tinkling.
    “ Not when I'm with you,” he says, and that's God's honest truth.

4
    Ty tells me he still wants to announce our engagement, but I can see that his mind is preoccupied with his mother and how exactly he's going to get to her from here. He says he has to leave in the morning after presents which sucks but which I totally understand. After all, if we go all the way there and find that the source of his hurt and his pain has already left this earth, I don't know what he'll do.
    “ I hate ham,” Lorri says when Beth presents her prize dish on a silver platter, and I do a big sister thing that I haven't been able to do in years and kick her under the table.
    “ It looks beautiful, Beth,” says Zella who is sitting way too close to Noah Scott, so close that their elbows bump together when they reach out for their water glasses. He is left handed and she's right. It's kind of cute and although I'm still unreasonably attached to Mr. Scott, I can see that Zella is dying for him to notice her in a different way. Pen pal is not the title my sister wants to hold in the mind of the blonde haired, blue eyed boy who told me goodbye, but whose eyes can't stop fixating on my sea blue ring, the one that sits pretty next to the other that Ty gave me the night I went to dinner with my sisters. If he keeps presenting me with such prizes, eventually we'll look like twins, both ringed, both damaged, both repaired. And I haven't told him yet, but I want some tattoos. Guess that's out the window right now. Prego bitches can't get inked. I shift uncomfortably.
    “ Before we eat,” Beth begins, wringing her hands and looking positively trashed. “I have an announcement I want to make.” My big sister looks over at me with her pretty, Barbie face, the one that looks so much better when she cries, the one that reminds me somehow of the dad I