JF04 - The Carnival Master Read Free

explaining something that he couldn’t fully understand himself. ‘There was this person, in my head, when I was a kid. The person I was going to be. Then it turned out that I wasn’t that person. I’m not who I was supposed to become. I’m someone different.’ He paused. Fabel listened to the silence, straining it for any sounds from the room beyond. ‘It’s all mad.’ Aichinger continued his tirade. ‘I mean, the way we lead our lives. It’s insane. The things that go on around us. It’s all shit. All chaos. None of it makes any sense … Take your colleague there. Just itching to put a bullet in my head. You’re here because I have a gun and I’m threatening to use it. He has a gun and is threatening to use it too. But that’s acceptable. Why? Because he’s a policeman. He’s supposed to keep order. Except it isn’t order.’
    ‘Georg …’ Fabel looked past Aichinger and down the hall to see if he could see the small feet move again. ‘The children …’
    ‘Do you know what I do for a living, Herr Fabel? I’m a “recruitment consultant”. That means I sit in an office for the greater part of my waking hours and find people to fill other offices in other companies. It’s the most pointless fucking waste of a life. That’s
my
life. That’s the
me
I became. I am one little hamster in his treadmill finding other hamsters for other treadmills. Supplying the meat to feed the big corporate mincing machine. That is what I spend my life doing. Where’s the sense in that? Thirty-odd hours a week. I calculated it: by the time I retire, I will have spent nearly forty thousand hours sitting at that desk. Forty thousand. It’s mad. I’ve always tried to do the right thing, Herr Fabel. Always. What was expected of me. Play the gameaccording to the rules. Everything else is chaos, I was told. But none of this makes any sense. Don’t you see? All of the things I haven’t seen. Places I’ve never been.’ Tears streaked Aichinger’s face. Fabel tried to understand what he was saying; to grasp what could have caused such monumental grief. ‘It’s all illusion. We live these ridiculous little lives. Live in boxes. Work in boxes. Give ourselves to senseless work. Then we just …
die
. All because that’s the way we think it’s supposed to be. We think that’s stability and order. But one day I woke up and saw this world for what it is. Insane. There’s nothing rational or real or vital about it.
This
is the chaos.
This
is the anarchy. Well, I’ve done it. I’ve turned it on its head. On its head. This isn’t me. You’ve got to believe me: this isn’t
me
. I don’t want to be part of it any more.’
    ‘I don’t understand.’ Fabel reached out his hand, slowly. ‘Give me the rifle, Georg. You can explain it to me. We can talk about it. We can sort things out.’
    ‘Sort things out?’ Aichinger smiled a sad smile. It struck Fabel that there was a genuine but sorrowful gratitude in that smile. Aichinger’s posture seemed to relax. The thumb on the trigger stopped quivering. ‘I’m glad it was you, Herr Fabel. I know that when you think about what I’ve said, you’ll understand it. At least you
do
something. At least there’s some sense, some meaning, to each day that you wake up to. You save people. Protect them. I’m glad it was you who I could explain to. Tell everyone … tell them that I couldn’t live with being someone else. Tell them I’m sorry.’
    The sound of the shot was muffled by the flesh pressed hard against the barrel under Aichinger’s jaw. There was a plume of blood, bone fragments andbrain matter from the crown of Aichinger’s head and his legs folded beneath him.
    Fabel leapt across the body and ran into the living room. Towards the tiny feet in the doorway.
2
.
    Ansgar’s meal was ready.
    Ansgar Hoeffer’s home in Cologne’s Nippes district was modest and scrupulously clean and tidy. It was also unshared, unvisited. Over the years he had gradually withdrawn