Ivyland Read Free Page A

terrorist Azura Carcassone won’t reveal how she denatured the Statue of Liberty’s iron framework. I have that straight? Anthony?
    ANTHONY
    I’m sorry. Little shaken up, blurted it out. But it’s true.
    LIGHTNING ROD
    S’alright, buddy, your fellow men feel for ya. Now, why is it your wife walked out?
    ANTHONY
    She was calling every day to ask when I’d be home, since the commute takes so long, and I’d always say, I’m in traffic, I’m in traffic, and she got so fed up today she goes, “You don’t get home by eight and help me with dinner and the kids tonight , that’s the straw that breaks my back.” She says, “I know you stay out late to screw your receptionist.” I don’t even have a receptionist.
    THUNDERDAN
    You should, they’re hot.
    Â 
    Wolf whistle cue. Laughter.
    ANTHONY
    I go, “Baby, it’s the commute. You don’t know how bad it’s gotten! Everyone is this late getting home, every day.” Takes three hours to get to Ivyland, and that’s right outside the city! And since those couple suffocations on the trains, sure not riding those again.
    LIGHTNING ROD
    Amen. Ain’t that why our show goes till 10? Some guys have it even worse than you, you know.
    ANTHONY
    Only today I was even later than usual, so I didn’t have a prayer. Had to walk home partway cause of these psychos. Shot one of the guys I was riding with.
    Â 
    Four seconds dead air.
    ANTHONY
    These psycho gas-heads saw the ice cream truck and I guess thought it would be an easy score, only they didn’t stop us first, they just shot, and the guy who was sitting next to me, Sal, or Sam, I’d only just met him—he’s dead now. Shot through the windshield. Cop too, both dead. Guys jacked the truck. I just got out and walked the rest.
    LIGHTNING ROD
    Hallorax junkies shot at you in—in an ice cream truck.
    ANTHONY
    Oh yeah, I didn’t say? Cops drove some of us home in ice cream trucks. Was a fleet of them practically. Commandeered cause of the black-and-white shortage in the department, they said. Plus they could fit more people.
    LIGHTNING ROD
    So now our finest are riding around in ice cream trucks. Huh!
    THUNDERDAN
    Certainly not an ideal situation, Anthony … they were driving you back to Ivyland, is that right?
    ANTHONY
    Yeah. That’s the least they coulda done.
    LIGHTNING ROD
    Settle down, chief, sounds like they were doing you a favor.
    ANTHONY
    Nope. They were driving a bunch of us who got stuck on the Munchausen Bridge escape.
    THUNDERDAN
    Anthony, now you really lost me. I thought this was—well, rubbing salt in your wounds—this was about your wife?
    ANTHONY
    Yeah. Well it was the escape, cause it was never finished, I guess. Me and these other guys were out following the signs on the escape walkway, headed toward the Jersey side. I mean obviously. But it was a dead end. They never finished the … never even finished the emergency walkway part. So we walked back to the New York side and then the ice cream trucks were there to take us through the tunnel instead. The ones who survived.
    LIGHTNING ROD
    Survived? ( Laughter ) Traffic that bad, Anthony?
    THUNDERDAN
    ( Laughter ) Who is the “we” we keep hearing about?
    ANTHONY
    The survivors. Of the Munchausen bridge collapse.
    LIGHTNING ROD
    Tony, the Munchausen bridge didn’t collapse.
    ANTHONY
    Sure it did.
    THUNDERDAN
    We would’ve reported …
    ANTHONY
    You mean you haven’t?
    LIGHTNING ROD
    Tony, I love a good crank call as much as … but our affiliates and spon—
    Â 
    High-pitched bleep .
    THUNDERDAN & LIGHTNING ROD
    FCC.
    LIGHTNING ROD
    We’re with you, guy, but you gotta watch the language. Now, this is a pretty tasteless joke, you can admit.
    ANTHONY
    Rod. I saw the Munchausen upper level cave in. I saw it.
    THUNDERDAN
    ( Sotto voce ) Caller …
    ANTHONY
    People got crushed.
    LIGHTNING