Ivyland Read Free

thing I ever seen!
    THUNDERDAN
    Gotta disagree with you, given the big news today, Rod. We got Storm’s own Frank Vader riding above the city in the—get this—the Endless blimp —
    LIGHTNING ROD
    No way.
    THUNDERDAN
    Endless blimp, no fooling, and Frank is going to tell us a little something about the Statue of Liberty situation as it stands. Is that right Frankie?
    FRANK VADER
    ( Light distortion ) That’s right, Dan. It appears preliminary reports on the Statue of Liberty’s vandalized exterior were largely correct—infamous French-American agitator and Ivyland College professor Azura Carcassone, known for her radical anti-EU stunts, was captured by authorities in a campus building there about an hour ago. She’s since confessed to directing a home-grown terrorist cell responsible for dumping a chemical compound on Our Fair Lady’s sculpted copper sheeting from the reopened crown observation deck, partially dissolving her signature green coating. From the blimp I can get a pretty good view of the corrosion, a big white-ish stain trickling down the front of Lady Liberty’s toga. Now, Carcassone has previously claimed the U.S. doesn’t appreciate or deserve what she calls “transcendent French art,” a sentiment officials are saying motivated this terror plot. What they’re at a loss to figure out, meanwhile, is how Carcassone and her conspirators were able to denature the statue’s interior iron framework, damage they have continued to deny responsibility for, despite an admission to the superficial damage. The result of the warped frame is remarkable: our statue’s proud posture has been traded for an uneven slouch.
    THUNDERDAN
    Getting your footage online here, Frank—it’s like a giant bird went to the bathroom on her. Think she’d be used to that.
    Â 
    Laughter.
    LIGHTNING ROD
    You know how every so often, a news story brings this, like, new word into the conversation? Who ever heard of the word “denature”?
    THUNDERDAN
    But you say—if I’m hearing you right—say she’s not owning up to that part.
    FRANK VADER
    Not at the moment. But if she’s half as smart as they say, she will.
    LIGHTNING ROD
    Uh, she kind of has to.
    THUNDERDAN
    Thanks, Frank. Keep surfing the airwaves out there, and we’ll check back with you later. Now’s your guyses’ chance out there to weigh in on the Statue Fiasco. Caller, you’re on the air. What’s your name?
    ANTHONY
    Anthony. I think I might know why that terrorist lady says she didn’t do the framework.
    LIGHTNING ROD
    ( Impossible to tell if ironic ) We’d love to know. We’re stumped.
    THUNDERDAN
    How do you know, Anthony? Are you with the … shhh … (whispered) government?
    Â 
    â€œHail to the Chief” plays. Laughter.
    ANTHONY
    I know because my wife left me today.
    LIGHTNING ROD
    Hold that thought for one sec, Romeo—we got ads coming at ya!
    FEMALE VOICE
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    MALE VOICE
    ( With bouncy electronic music underneath ) Hey, commuters. Do yourself and your community a favor when you finally get home: leave the lights off. In fact, always limit use of electric appliances—that way we can reduce stress on the Northeast power grid during its continued reconstruction. Fight for Light: Do It in the Dark.
    THUNDERDAN
    Folks, if you’re just joining us, our caller says his wife leaving him today gave him the insight to understand why French