Is It Just Me or Is Everything Shit? Read Free

Or at least be more interesting than the name.
    ARGUMENTS BETWEEN EQUALLY OBJECTIONABLE CELEBRITIES
    When Tommy Lee calls Kid Rock a “jealous no career having country bumpkin.”
    Or when Kid Rock punches out Tommy Lee.
    Or when Christina Aguilera attacks Britney Spears, calling her wedding “trashy” and “pathetic.”
    Or when Britney Spears calls Christina Aguilera “scary.”
    Or when
The Hills
’s Spencer Pratt describes castmate Lauren Conrad as “the douche, the psycho.”
    Or when Keith Olbermann declares Bill O’Reilly “today’s worst person in the world.”
    Or when Jacques Chirac says George W. Bush “is so stupid it’s amazing he can eat stuff.”
    Or when Donald Trump labels Mark Cuban a “loser.”
    Or when Donald Trump brands Richard Branson a “total failure.”
    Or when Donald Trump declares Rosie O’Donnell a “fat slob.”
    Or when Rosie O’Donnell writes that Donald Trump is a “slug.”
    Or when Danny Bonaduce throws Johnny Fairplay over his head, face-first, knocking out a couple of his teeth.
    Why don’t you all just play nicely?
    ARTICLES IN NEWSPAPERS REPORTING POLLS IN MAGAZINES
    For example, saying that Duran Duran’s 1995 release
Thank You
is the worst album of all time, according to a poll by
Q
magazine. Or that Matt Damon is the sexiest man alive, according to some publishing monkeys. Reading a magazine does not constitute gathering the news. It constitutes reading a magazine.
    What next? Maureen Dowd’s new column reveals “Woman Finds Happiness with Sister’s Widower . . . riveting True Story in
Glamour
. . . Of course they still miss her . . . And the next thing they knew, they were having sex.”

B
    BABY NAME BOOKS
    Nobody has ever found a good name in a baby name book because most of the entries are things like Hadrian, Dylis, Mortimer, and Binky. Oh yes, and Adolf.
    The UK’s Collins Gem version genuinely points out under the entry for Adolf/Adolph that “Adolph and the latinised form of the name Adolphus have never been common names in this country and received a further setback with the rise of Adolph Hitler.”
    Setback? I’ll say.
    BAD BOYS
    “We know it’s wrong, but they’re just so . . . so . . . likely to commit random acts of violence! Yeah?”
    Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil. Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. Kate Moss and Pete Doherty. Pamela Anderson and every man she’s slept with except Scott Baio. It’s official: For today’s thrill-seeking chick, a bad boy is the ultimate accessory. Essentially, if your man has never been charged with assault while dealing out meth from his Harley, is he even a man at all?
Booooring!
    In
Observer Woman
magazine, British socialite and ex-Mrs. Noel Gallagher, Meg Mathews, revealed: “Bad boys are always the most attractive . . . When I look back at all my exes, they’ve all of them either been in prison or rough-and-ready or rock-and-roll. The last one was in prison for 10 months. I thought it was great. I thought I was in
Married to the Mob.
I used to go on the visits all dressed up.” And if she was really lucky, he’d shiv her initials into his cellmate. Oh well, at least this finally explains the popularity of
Prison Break.
    Next week: “My new man is Radovan Karadzic. He’s been on the run from the UN War Crimes Tribunal for murder, plunder, and genocide since 1996! Genocidal Bosnian Serbs? That’s hot!”
    BAR TOILET ADS FOR BAR TOILET ADS
    REACH AN AUDIENCE OF THOUSANDS EVERY DAY!
    IT’S CLEAR WHY 12,000 PANELS LIKE THIS ONE CAN REACH AN AUDIENCE OF 15 MILLION.
    It makes a nice change from photos of women going insane thanks to Axe Body Spray, or begging pleas to please watch Spike TV. But it’s not a good ad for ads, as they have no ads, just ads for ads telling you how effective their ads would be, if they had any. Which they don’t. And that’s not a good ad for their ads . . . them not actually having any. Adman, you’re a bad adman, man.
    BLACKBERRIES
    What exactly the fuck do