Infinite Jest Read Free Page B

incredible.’
    ‘Off the charts.’
    ‘Most institutions do not even
have
grades of A with multiple pluses after it,’ says the Director of Composition, his expression impossible to interpret.
    ‘This kind of… how shall I put it… incongruity,’ Admissions says, his expression frank and concerned, ‘I’ve got to tell you
     sends up a red flag of potential concern during the admissions process.’
    ‘We thus invite you to explain the appearance of incongruity if not out-right shenanigans.’ Students has a tiny piping voice
     that’s absurd coming out of a face this big.
    ‘Surely by
incredible
you meant very very very impressive, as opposed to literally quote “incredible,” surely,’ says C.T., seeming to watch the
     coach at the window massaging the back of his neck. The huge window gives out on nothing more than dazzling sunlight and cracked
     earth with heat-shimmers over it.
    ‘Then there is before us the matter of not the required two but
nine
separate application essays, some of which of nearly monograph-length, each without exception being —’ different sheet —
     ‘the adjective various evaluators used was quote “stellar” —’
    Dir. of Comp.: ‘I made in my assessment deliberate use of
lapidary
and
effete
.’
    ‘— but in areas and with titles, I’m sure you recall quite well, Hal: “Neoclassical Assumptions in Contemporary Prescriptive
     Grammar,” “The Implications of Post-Fourier Transformations for a Holographically Mimetic Cinema,” “The Emergence of Heroic
     Stasis in Broadcast Entertainment” —’
    ‘ “Montague Grammar and the Semantics of Physical Modality”?’
    ‘ “A Man Who Began to Suspect He Was Made of Glass”?’
    ‘ “Tertiary Symbolism in Justinian Erotica”?’
    Now showing broad expanses of recessed gum. ‘Suffice to say that there’s some frank and candid concern about the recipient
     of these unfortunate test scores, though perhaps explainable test scores, being these essays’ sole individual author.’
    ‘I’m not sure Hal’s sure just what’s being implied here,’ my uncle says. The Dean at center is fingering his lapels as he
     interprets distasteful computed data.
    ‘What the University is saying here is that from a strictly academic point of view there are admission problems that Hal needs
     to try to help us iron out. A matriculant’s first role at the University is and must be as a student. We couldn’t admit a
     student we have reason to suspect can’t cut the mustard, no matter how much of an asset he might be on the field.’
    ‘Dean Sawyer means the court, of course, Chuck,’ Athletic Affairs says, head severely cocked so he’s including the White person
     behind him in the address somehow. ‘Not to mention O.N.A.N.C.A.A. regulations and investigators always snuffling around for
     some sort of whiff of the smell of impropriety.’
    The varsity tennis coach looks at his own watch.
    ‘Assuming these board scores are accurate reflectors of true capacity in this case,’ Academic Affairs says, his high voice
     serious and sotto, still looking at the file before him as if it were a plate of something bad, ‘I’ll tell you right now my
     opinion is it wouldn’t be fair. It wouldn’t be fair to the other applicants. Wouldn’t be fair to the University community.’
     He looks at me. ‘And it’d be especially unfair to Hal himself. Admitting a boy we see as simply an athletic asset would amount
     to just using that boy. We’re under myriad scrutiny to make sure we’re not using anybody. Your board results, son, indicate
     that we could be accused of using you.’
    Uncle Charles is asking Coach White to ask the Dean of Athletic Affairs whether the weather over scores would be as heavy
     if I were, say, a revenue-raising football prodigy. The familiar panic at feeling misperceived is rising, and my chest bumps
     and thuds. I expend energy on remaining utterly silent in my chair, empty, my eyes two great pale zeros.