Incendiary Read Free Page A

more pissed they’d probably of taken a photo of me on their mobiles for those web sites I told you about. They thought they were very clever. My whole point is they weren’t very nice and you could of blown up as many of them as you liked Osama you wouldn’t of heard any of us complaining.
    Anyway Jasper Black left his table and came over to mine and it was quite a surprise. Normally I’d of told him where to shove it but I couldn’t help noticing he had nice eyes for a SNEERING TOFF . I mean most of them have dead eyes like they’ve been done over with electric shocks like Jack Nicholson in
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
. Or some of them have these little excited eyes like they’ve got a chinchilla up their bum like Hugh Grant in. Well. All his films. But Jasper Black wasn’t like that. He had nice eyes. He looked almost human. I looked back at the slow-motion goals on Sky. I knew it was dangerous to look at Jasper Black at least give me that much credit.
    —Football fan are you? said Jasper Black.
    —What do you think?
    —I think you’re beautiful, said Jasper Black. So do my friends. They bet me 20 quid I couldn’t get your name. So tell me your name and I’ll split the cash with you and never bother you again.
    He was smiling. I wasn’t.
    —20 quid?
    —Yes, he said. 20 English pounds.
    —Listen carefully. I’ll say this slowly. Your friends are WANKERS.
    Jasper Black didn’t even blink.
    —So help me take them for the money, he said. We’ll go halves. 10 quid each. What do you say?
    —I don’t need 10 quid.
    Jasper Black stopped smiling.
    —No, he said. Neither do I really. Well maybe I can just talk with you?
    —I’m married. I’m waiting for my husband.
    I picked up my G&T and I made sure he got an eyeful of my wedding band. My wedding band is not silver actually Osama it’s platinum it’s a cracker. My husband chose it himself and it cost him a month’s wages. There are some things you just can’t skimp on he always used to say. I still wear it today on a little silver chain around my neck. It’s as wide as runway number 1 at Heathrow Airport and it flashes like the sun but apparently Jasper Black couldn’t see it at all.
    —Are you here all on your own? he said.
    —No. Well yes I suppose I am. Like I say I’m waiting for my husband he’s a copper he’s a rock he’s never let me down we’ve been married 4 years 7 months we have a boy he is 4 years 3 months old he still sleeps with his rabbit the rabbit is called Mr. Rabbit.
    —Are you okay? said Jasper Black. It’s just that you seem a little overwrought.
    —Overwhat?
    —Overexcited.
    —Oh really what makes you say that?
    —Well, said Jasper Black. I only asked you if you were here alone and now I know everything about you with the possible exception of your mother’s maiden name.
    —Knowles.
    —Excuse me? said Jasper Black.
    —Knowles was my mother’s maiden name. In fact it always was her name she never was married to my father.
    —Oh, he said.
    —I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. I’m never normally like this. Spilling my guts to strangers down the pub.
    —Please don’t apologise. Talk if you feel like talking. Get it all off your chest. I’m a good listener.
    —Are you sure? You seem very kind you have a kind face my husband is in bomb disposal.
    —Whoa there, said Jasper Black. Whoa whoa whoa. Just one cotton-picking minute. I’m going to go to the bar and get us both another drink and you’re going to take a deep breath and count backwards from ten and when I get back from the bar you’re going to start at the beginning and tell me all about it.
    —Okay.
    —Alright, he said. What are you drinking?
    —G&T please.
    —G&T it is, he said.
    —Last orders, said the landlord.
    So Jasper Black went up to the bar and his 2 SNEERING TOFF mates got up from their table and went in to the gents for a wee and I got up and locked them in there on account of they’d been gawping at