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she means is that she wants him to agree enthusiastically with the wedding plans she will make in collaboration with her mom, her friends, her wedding planner, her caterer, her florist, and her 4,538-page, seventeen-pound issue of Modern Bride . If the groom-to-be’s views were actually considered, the wedding would be a far more relaxed affair, possibly involving go-carts. Or it might not happen at all, since many grooms-to-be, when they see their fiancée mutate into a cross between Martha Stewart and George Patton, begin to wonder if it might be a good idea to just put the whole thing on ice for a decade or two.
    Not that anyone asks them.
    My point is that we men are not mysterious; there is no need for women to find us baffling. In hopes of ending this confusion, I recently conducted a survey of women whom I selected on the scientific basis of being either (1) friends of my wife, or (2) on the Internet. I asked these women to submit the questions that bothered them most about men. I got many, many responses, the gist of which is neatly summarized by my wife’s friend Amy, who asked: “Do men realize how unfathomably stupid women think they are; and, if so, why don’t they do anything about it?”
    Note that this question has a somewhat negative tone. This was typical. Not one woman asked a question that implied men might have any positive qualities. They did not ask: “How can men be so darned rational all the time?” Or: “What can men teach women about somehow managing to get through life with fewer than sixty pairs of shoes?”
    Anyway, my hope is that, by giving simple, straightforward answers to these women’s questions using the Q and A format, I can clear up some of the misunderstandings women have about men. I’ll begin with a question that many of the women asked, a question that seems to trouble women in general more than the danger of an Earth-asteroid collision:
    Q. Why don’t men put the toilet seat back down after they pee?
    A. Because they care. Human males are descended from prehistoric tribal warriors who had to defend the women and children in their tribe from vicious savage enemy tribes who could attack at any time without warning to rape and pillage and plunder. So these early males had to be constantly vigilant. They had to pee standing up with their heads on a swivel. They could not afford to waste precious seconds aiming the pee stream or putting down the toilet seat, because the enemy might choose just that moment of distraction to strike and perform acts of vicious savage plundering on the women and children. That was a risk these brave and courageous and manly warriors of long ago were simply unwilling to take. This same protective instinct is still deeply ingrained in men today, not that we expect any thanks.
     
     
    Q. But prehistoric tribes didn’t even HAVE toilet seats!
    A. Exactly.
     
     
    Q. Why don’t men listen when we talk? When we want to share our feelings with you, to talk about things that are important to BOTH of us—our children, our careers, our relationships; or when we simply share the details of a trying day, to get a little sympathy—why is it that you barely even bother to hide your lack of interest? How can you care more about some sports event on TV, or some unimportant message on your cell phone, than the feelings of the person who cares most about you, and is always blah blah blah? Why is it always our responsibility to worry about blah and blah, not to mention blah, while you are unable to spend even two minutes thinking about blah? Blah blah blah blah blah. Hello? Did you hear anything I just said?
    A. What?
     
     
Q. WHY DON’T MEN LISTEN TO WOMEN ?
    A. They do listen. But they listen for specific information. Men are problem-solvers. They are doers. When you talk to them, they are listening to determine (a) what the problem is, and (b) what they need to do about it, so that they can (c) resume watching ESPN. When they have the information they need,