Idolism Read Free

the place where we met most frequently, and we called it Underground Zero. I don’t know why, except probably because it was just a cool name.
    I wagged my finger at Ginger. “Thou shall not take the name of the Lord in vain.”
    “Piss off, Tummy.”
    I opened me rucksack and grabbed a bag of crisps and a bottle of Coke. I have this condition, you see. Low blood pressure. It has to do with me glands. I’m lacking some hormone that helps me body conserve sodium, so I have low blood pressure and I sometimes pass out in the middle of the day, just like that. The doctor told me to eat lots of salt to increase me blood pressure so I wouldn’t pass out all the time. People always think I eat crisps all the time because I have no self restraint, and that’s what makes me fat, but that’s not true, is it? It’s just because of me glands.
    “Why?” Julian asked.
    I opened me bag of crisps. “Why what?”
    “Why shall thou not take the name of the Lord in vain?”
    I looked around nervously, making sure that God wasn’t listening in before I whispered, “Because it makes Him angry.”
    “Who?”
    “The Lord!” I said. “Jesus Christ, Julian, pay attention, will you?”
    Ginger looked at me. “Thou shall not take the name ...”
    “Oh shut up!”
    Julian smiled. “So how do you know that?”
    “It’s in his holy book.”
    I ignored Ginger’s trolling comment and said, “Me mum told me.”
    “And how does she know?”
    “I don’t know.” I shrugged. “We’re Christians; we just know these things.”
    “And do you believe everything your mum tells you?”
    Oh well, me mum.
    To be perfectly honest, I’ve always been more scared of me mum than of God. You may or may not believe that God is real, but I sure as hell knew that me mum was real. And she was one fierce woman, I have to tell you. She was a control freak, and you wouldn’t want to be around when things weren’t going her way. Things weren’t going her way very often. They never have, and you’d think that sooner or later a person would get used to it and loosen up a bit. But not me mum. She just kept freaking out at everything. Me mum was a bloody lunatic.
    “Of course I believe everything me mum tells me,” I said. “She’s me mum!”
    “Did your mum tell you about Santa Claus when you were little?” Julian asked.
    “Yes.”
    “And do you still believe in Santa?”
    “What a silly question,” I said. “Of course I do!”
    Ginger giggled, and Julian looked at me with a mixture of bemusement and curiosity.
    “Have you ever thought about how fast he would have to travel to deliver all those Christmas presents to all the good little boys and girls in the world?” he asked.
    “Well, have you ever thought about why they invented different time zones? It’s so that Santa doesn’t have to be all over the place at the same time.”
    Julian raised an eyebrow. I don’t know how he did that or how anybody did that, raising just one eyebrow. I’ve tried it in front of the mirror. I can only raise both me eyebrows together.
    “They invented time zones just to accommodate Santa’s busy schedule?” he asked.
    “Uh-huh. I bet you didn’t know that, did you?”
    He shook his head slowly, full of unconcealed admiration. “That is bloody brilliant, Tummy.”
    “I know, right? Also, in some countries Santa comes on Christmas Eve, in others he comes on Christmas Day. In some places he even comes on the 6th of December, and in some places he doesn’t show up until the 7th of January. He’s got a whole month to deliver all his presents. Plenty of time.”
    “Speaking of time,” Ginger said, “are we getting anywhere yet, Michael?”
    “Bloody hell, Ginger, I’m working on it!”
    “Do you also believe in Godzilla?” Julian asked me.
    “Don’t be stupid,” I said. “Godzilla is just a film.”
    “Well, the Bible is just a book,” Ginger chimed in.
    “Actually, the Bible is not just any old book,” Julian said.
    “Exactly! You