I Lost My Mobile At the Mall Read Free

what our family calls her – Tilly.
    Eleanor and Matilda are the names of Queens of England. Why did Mum and Dad choose these names? It's a long, pathetic joke.
    We live in the suburb of Oldcastle in the City of Britannia, New South Wales, Australia. Mum's name is Elizabeth (commonly known as 'Libby') and Dad's name is Richard (AKA 'Rick'). So somewhere along the way Mum and Dad thought it would be hilarious to imagine that our house at 25 Buckingham Street, Oldcastle, Britannia was some kind of red-brick royal palace.
    Elizabeth, Richard, Eleanor and Matilda, Buckingham Street, Oldcastle, Britannia. They even named our dog 'Harry' and our cat 'Camilla'. Geddit?
    Our second name is Pickering. The Pickering coat of arms features an armoured helmet and some kind of weird animal with its tongue stuck out. Dad's got it framed on the toilet wall. Or should I say in his 'throne room'.
    I found out that the Pickerings originally lived on the side of a hill in Yorkshire, England. We live on the side of a hill in Oldcastle and it all looks like plain old suburbia to me. The only royal view from our house is the London Tavern and drive-thru bottle shop.
    But everyone in the suburb of Oldcastle seems to be in on this bad joke – we've got the Majestic Movieplex, Beefeater Butchery (and its famous 'Sandringham' venison snags), the Lionheart Drycleaners, Marquess Mini-mart and the Big-Ears Day Care Centre. Then there's Henry, George and Mary streets, Edward Court, Charles Drive and Victoria Square. Even at Oldcastle High the sports houses are Wessex, Stuart, Tudor and Saxe-Coburg-Gotha . Geddit?
    Mostly I don't. What has all this British monarchy stuff got to do with Oldcastle, a million miles away in Australia? I'll bet that the Queen of England hasn't got a corgi called 'Pitjanjarra'.
    When my mother first met Will, she laughed. For her it was one more joke to add to the rest. Prince William. The fact that Will has a full head of hair and the sweetest little sister named Pookie – and neither of them fly helicopters – doesn't seem to matter. The entire Royal Family of Buckingham Street, Oldcastle, thinks my love-life is a joke. And, for that matter, so does Bianca.
    'When Prince Willy marries Princess Smelly,' laughs Bianca, 'then you can be the Duke and Duchess of Smelly-Willy.'
    Sometimes I wish I had a better BF than Bianca.
    Which brings me back to the bus. It wasn't till I was getting up from on top of Bianca, mad at myself for spilling pineapple and mint juice on my top, that I realised that my shoulder felt curiously light. There's usually three kilos of stuff hanging off it.
    When I realised my handbag was missing, I ran down the aisle waving madly at the bus driver to stop. Too late. We were barrelling down the main road by then – trucks and cars on all sides – and before I knew it we were turning off towards Oldcastle. I was totally stressing out. I told Bianca that we should get off at the next stop and wait for the bus to take us back again to look for my bag.
    'Your bag has totally been swiped by now, Elly, and your mobile is gone,' says Bianca. 'It's time you faced facts.'
    I begged for her mobile to ring the mall and ask if anything had been found and handed in. Then we were at Bianca's stop and she said she couldn't hang around, her mum was expecting her home for lunch (?!) and besides, her phone battery was flat (?!). With that, she was gone, and just as the bus door was closing behind her, I realised that I had no $$$ whatsoever. The only thing I could do was come back here to Buckingham Palace and wait.
    Two things occur to me now as I sit in The Dungeon (AKA my bedroom):
    1. How come Bianca's phone was flat, when she'd just finished a long convo with Jai and I didn't hear any beeps from the battery winding down?
    2. Why was Bianca's mother expecting her home for lunch when everyone knows that Bianca's mother has not prepared a meal, or eaten one, since Bianca was born?
    I know the truth. Bianca was rushing