How to Save Your Tail Read Free

built themselves alovely three-bedroom, two-bath brick house with a cellar.
    No sooner did they build it than the very same neighbor, the Big Bad Wolf, to be exact, took a liking to the fancy brickwork and homey front stoop. And one fine day he showed up with his family.
    “This is Mrs. Wolf and our daughter, Elsie,” said Big Bad. “We’re moving in.”
    Elsie had foul breath and warts on her snout.
    “You’re
not
moving in!” said Mustard.
    “Not by the hair on our chinny-chin-chins,” said Bubbles.
    “We don’t have chins,” whispered Mustard.
    “Oh dear,” said Squeak.
    “Unpack our bags,” ordered Elsie. “Then make dinner.” A drip of slobber slid down her lip and off her chin.
    The rats gulped.

    “And don’t even think about running away,” said Big Bad. “Or
you’ll
be dinner.”
    “Yeah,” said Elsie. “I love rat salad and rat sandwiches and most of all I love rat pudding for dessert.” She stomped on Squeak’s tail just for fun.
    So, from that day forward, Mustard, Bubbles, and Squeak worked for the wolves and lived in the cellar. Every morning, Elsie pinched their ears to wake them. If the rats were too slow scrubbing the floor or weeding the garden or ironing her clothes, she made them pluck and roast their bird friends for supper. Squeak never did get over the heartbreak of cooking her best friend, Robin. Then, at night, after they washed the dishes, Elsie made them tell bedtime stories while she gnawed on bird bones and picked at her snout-warts.
    She was a lousy roommate.
    “I can’t take it anymore!” cried Squeak onemorning after Elsie pinched their ears, their tails,
and
their toes.
    “We have to get rid of her,” agreed Mustard.
    “How?” asked Bubbles.
    “I’ve got it,” said Mustard. “We’ll tell everyone that Elsie is the cleverest maiden in the land. Surely someone will marry her and they’ll both move far, far away and we’ll never get pinched again.”
    So the rats went about the town, hiding behind fences, under tables, and in laundry baskets. They talked about Clever Elsie Wolf in their biggest voices, and the nosy townsfolk were only too happy to eavesdrop and pass along the gossip. Sure enough, before you could say “Hot cross buns,” word of Clever Elsie spread far and wide throughout the kingdom.
    By and by, a rich and powerful warthog paid a visit to discuss marriage. Elsie’s parents wanted to celebrate the wedding at once, but the warthog had a few questions.

    “What makes Elsie so clever?” he asked.
    Elsie’s parents looked at each other, baffled. For though they had heard the rumor of Elsie’s newfound cleverness and though they hoped it was true, they had not yet seen a shred of evidence that it was. They thought and thought but could not come up with a single instance of Elsie’s doing anything that wasn’t disgusting or mean or just plain dull.
    The three rats spoke up.
    “Well,” said Mustard, “she can see the wind before the storm.”
    “And she knew not to trust that little girl in the red hood,” added Bubbles and Squeak.
    “Are you saying,” queried the warthog, “that she can see the future?”
    “That’s
it
!” said Mustard.
    “Just so! Just so!” cried Bubbles and Squeak.
    “Ahhh,” said the warthog. “Well, I didn’t get rich and powerful by believing any old thing. I’ll need proof.” He turned to Elsie. “What do you see now, Miss Wolf?”
    Elsie squinted hard but spoke not a word.
    “Sometimes it takes a while,” said Mustard. “Have a seat.”
    The warthog sat down and Big Bad sent Elsie to the cellar for cider.
    The rats followed.
    “We must do something,” whispered Mustard.
    “But what?” asked Bubbles and Squeak.
    “I’m thinking,” said Mustard.
    Elsie ordered the rats to fill the pitcher and stepped on poor Squeak’s bad foot for good measure. Mustard scrambled up the side of a great wooden keg and opened the spout.
    “You know, Elsie,” said Mustard as ciderpoured into the