How to Fall in Love Read Free Page B

was the polar opposite of how I’d last seen him. Now he looked peaceful, the right side of his face and head bandaged, the left side serene and smooth as if nothing had happened. I chose to sit on his left side.
    ‘I saw him shoot himself,’ I whispered to Angela, the nurse on call. ‘He held a gun up right here,’ I gestured, ‘And pulled the trigger. I saw his – everything – go everywhere… how did he survive?’
    Angela smiled, a sad smile, not really a smile at all, just muscles working around her lips. ‘A miracle?’
    ‘What kind of a miracle is that?’ I continued to whisper, not wanting Simon to hear me. ‘I keep going over it, over and over in my head.’ I’d been reading books about suicide and what I should have said, and they say that if you can get a person threatening suicide to think rationally, if they actually think about the realities of suicide and its aftermath, then they could, they might abort the decision. What they’re looking for is a quick fix to end the emotional pain, not to end their lives, so if you can help them see another way to ease the pain then maybe you could help. ‘I think, considering I had no experience, that I did okay, I think I really got through to him. I think he really responded to me. For a moment, anyway. I mean, he put the gun down. He let me call the guards. I just don’t know what it was that sent him back into that head space.’
    Angela frowned as though hearing or seeing something she didn’t like. ‘You know this isn’t your fault, don’t you?’
    ‘Yeah, I know.’ I shrugged it off.
    She studied me, thoughtful, and I concentrated on the right wheel of the hospital bed, how it caused a black scuff mark when it was moved each time, lots of scuff marks back and forth, and I tried to count how many times it had been moved. Dozens, at least.
    ‘You know there are people you can talk to about this kind of thing. It would be a good idea to get your concerns out.’
    ‘Why does everyone keep saying that?’ I laughed, trying to sound carefree but deep down feeling the anger burning my chest. I was tired of being analysed, tired of people treating me as though I was someone who needed to be handled. ‘I’m fine .’
    ‘I’ll leave you with him for a while.’ Angela stepped away, her white shoes silent on the floor as if she was floating.
    Now that I had come, I didn’t quite know what to do. I reached out for his hand but then stopped myself. If he was aware, perhaps he would not want me to touch him, maybe he blamed me for what had happened. It had been my job to stop him and I hadn’t. Perhaps he had wanted me to change his mind, he was willing me to say the right words but I’d failed him. I cleared my throat, looked around to make sure no one was listening and I leaned in closer to his left ear but not so close as to startle him.
    ‘Hi, Simon,’ I whispered.
    I watched him for a reaction. Nothing.
    ‘My name is Christine Rose, I’m the woman you spoke to on the night of… the incident. I hope you don’t mind my sitting with you for a while.’
    I listened for something, anything, and studied his face and hands for signs that he was upset by my presence. I didn’t want to cause him any more pain. When all on the surface remained as it was, calm and still, I sat back in the chair and got comfortable. I wasn’t waiting for him to wake up, I didn’t have anything I wanted to say to him, I just liked being there, in the silence, by his side. Because when I was by his side I wouldn’t be anywhere else, wondering about him.
    At nine p.m., after visiting hours, I still hadn’t been asked to leave. I guessed regular hours didn’t count for someone in a condition such as Simon’s. He was in a coma, on a life-support machine, and his condition wasn’t improving. I spent the time thinking about my life and Simon’s and how our coming together had irrevocably changed both of our lives. It had only been a few weeks since Simon’s