Guards! Guards! Read Free Page A

oppressing ’em with why haven’t they got a new coach like our Rodney and that.”
    The Supreme Grand Master listened to this with a slightly lightheaded feeling. It was as if he’d known that there were such things as avalanches, but had never dreamed when he dropped the little snowball on top of the mountain that it could lead to such astonishing results. He was hardly having to egg them on at all.
    “I bet a king’d have something to say about landlords,” said Brother Plasterer.
    “And he’d outlaw people with showy coaches,” said Brother Watchtower. “Probably bought with stolen money, too, I reckon.”
    “I think,” said the Supreme Grand Master, tweaking things a little, “that a wise king would only, as it were, outlaw showy coaches for the undeserving .”
    There was a thoughtful pause in the conversation as theassembled Brethren mentally divided the universe into the deserving and the undeserving, and put themselves on the appropriate side.
    “It’d be only fair,” said Brother Watchtower slowly. “But Brother Plasterer was right, really. I can’t see a skion manifesting his destiny just because Brother Doorkeeper thinks the woman in the vegetable shop keeps giving him funny looks. No offense.”
    “ And bloody short weight,” said Brother Doorkeeper. “And she—”
    “Yes, yes, yes,” said the Supreme Grand Master. “Truly the right-thinking folk of Ankh-Morpork are beneath the heel of the oppressors. However, a king generally reveals himself in rather more dramatic circumstances. Like a war, for example.”
    Things were going well. Surely, for all their self-centered stupidity, one of them would be bright enough to make the suggestion?
    “There used to be some old prophecy or something,” said Brother Plasterer. “My grandad told me.” His eyes glazed with the effort of dramatic recall. “‘Yea, the king will come bringing Law and Justice, and know nothing but the Truth, and Protect and Serve the People with his Sword.’ You don’t all have to look at me like that, I didn’t make it up.”
    “Oh, we all know that one. And a fat lot of good that’d be,” said Brother Watchtower. “I mean, what does he do, ride in with Law and Truth and so on like the Four Horse-men of the Apocralypse? Hallo everyone,” he squeaked, “I’m the king, and that’s Truth over there, watering his horse. Not very practical, is it? Nah. You can’t trust old legends.”
    “Why not?” said Brother Dunnykin, in a peeved voice.
    “’Cos they’re legendary. That’s how you can tell,” said Brother Watchtower.
    “Sleeping princesses is a good one,” said Brother Plasterer. “Only a king can wake ’em up.”
    “Don’t be daft,” said Brother Watchtower severely. “We haven’t got a king, so we can’t have princesses. Stands to reason.”
    “Of course, in the old days it was easy,” said Brother Doorkeeper happily.
    “Why?”
    “He just had to kill a dragon.”
    The Supreme Grand Master clapped his hands together and offered a silent prayer to any god who happened to be listening. He’d been right about these people. Sooner or later their rambling little minds took them where you wanted them to go.
    “What an interesting idea,” he trilled.
    “Wouldn’t work,” said Brother Watchtower dourly. “There ain’t no big dragons now.”
    “There could be.”
    The Supreme Grand Master cracked his knuckles.
    “Come again?” said Brother Watchtower.
    “I said there could be.”
    There was a nervous laugh from the depths of Brother Watchtower’s cowl.
    “What, the real thing? Great big scales and wings?”
    “Yes.”
    “Breath like a blast furnace?”
    “Yes.”
    “Them big claw things on its feet?”
    “Talons? Oh, yes. As many as you want.”
    “What do you mean, as many as I want?”
    “I would hope it’s self-explanatory, Brother Watchtower. If you want dragons, you can have dragons. You can bring a dragon here. Now. Into the city.”
    “Me?”
    “All of you. I mean