Goose Read Free

I miss Dad. I don’t know if I’m having some weird delayed reaction to his death, but the thought of him fills my head every second of every day, and I dream about him too. Strange dreams, like him turning up in a white coat and saying he has to operate on me. Or him coming into my room and chatting about really mundane stuff, like gardening, but the vision is so real that I wake up saying things like,‘Yes, we should probably cut back the hydrangea bush soon.’
    I’m sure the dreams are just a phase. I hope so. I guess it’s understandable. But now I’m worried that Renée doesn’t want to go to the same uni as me. I could do without that on top of the stress of everything else. If I fail these exams I won’t be able to leave the island, but if I do leave the island I might lose Renée. Why is nothing ever simple? Why do I always feel like I am about to lose something?
    Well, everything apart from my virginity.
    Saying that, I am happy, considering what the last couple of years have thrown in my face. There was Sally pretending to be pregnant by Julian and trying to tear me and Renée apart. Then my dad dying suddenly from a heart attack and then Julian having sex with Renée and then revealing to me he is actually only my half-brother and then running off to live in London for no apparent reason without ever taking a minute to ask me if I was OK. Then there was the drama of moving schools last year, and now the daily panic attacks that come with not having to wear a uniform.
    I am glad we’ve moved schools. I miss Tudor Falls some days, but I am much better here, much more myself. Much freer now that I am not being bullied by Sally, and much more loved than ever before, because I have Renée. Our friendship saved my life. Without her I would have stayed sitting where I was the day Dad died and never been able to move, as if my bum had been welded to the chair. Renée is the kind of friend who is so in your face that you can’t escape her. It’s intense but lovely. I couldn’t live without her. I can’t imagine having to make friends all over again. Maybe I could just be a recluse instead.
    I have to stop worrying. I need something else to focus on, apart from the impending exams. I need a happier distraction, maybe something like playing an instrument. I could take up the clarinet again. Or swimming. The grammar school has a brilliant inside swimming pool. I am sure I heard something about a new life-saving course starting in the next few weeks. That’s perfect – I will take up life-saving! I get my notebook out of my bag and write ‘LIFE-SAVING’ in huge letters across the top of a new page. I will go and check the noticeboard the minute the bell rings.
    When the bell does eventually ring I feel excited about the prospect of my new hobby. I stuff my things into my bag and start to hurry towards the pool area. But just as I leave the RS room I nearly trip over as Kerry Hamilton falls to the ground in front of me. The contents of her bag spill everywhere.
    â€˜You tripped me up,’ she says from the floor.
    â€˜I think you just fell,’ I say, kneeling down to help her. ‘I really don’t think I tripped you up.’
    â€˜Not you,’ says Kerry, gesturing at someone behind me. Three people loom over us. One girl at the front is particularly intimidating. I think her name is Bernadette Rodgers, and the other two are possibly called Samantha and Anthea, or it could be Andrea. I know so few people in my year.
    â€˜God didn’t help you then, did he, Kerry?’ says Bernadette. Her two stooges laugh. ‘You can say all the prayers you like, but he won’t stop you smashing your face up when you can’t even stand up straight, will he?’
    A cold feeling goes down my spine. I know this situation only too well. This was my life most days with Sally.
    â€˜I didn’t fall over, you tripped me up,’