Goody Two Shoes Read Free

We’ve been best friends our whole life, drop the attitude.  You and Simmons used to be all hot and heavy; those three babies weren’t immaculate conceptions.  Hell, in high school ya’ll were voted most likely to grow old together.  What happened Tara?  Do you even know?”
    I shook my head.  I don’t have a clue.  “Time happened I guess.  At some point we just got too tired to try anymore.”
    “That’s bullshit and you know it.  What you did was load yourself up with responsibilities until you didn’t have time for each other.  That’s why I dropped the Garden Club you know?  I figured if you all couldn’t teach me how to keep a ficus alive by now then there’s no hope for me as a gardener.  I hired one, and a maid too.”
    “You got a maid?” Okay, I’m green.
    She nods dramatically, “Damn skippy I did.  Steve and I do all kinds of things together now.  It’s great!”
    “And it’s all because of this club you joined?”
    “Yep, it is.”
    I’m not going to say I’m a skeptical woman by nature.  I tend to go with the more Christian stance when I can, you know, trust thy neighbor…or is it covet thy neighbor?  No, that can’t be right!  Anyway, what I’m telling you is that this sounds like a pretty hokey deal to me.  I’m waiting to be sold some skin so soft.  “Is it a sex club, Patty?” I whisper because the word ‘sex’ might offend someone… like me.
    “No one’s going to come in your living room and try to sell you and your closest friends a dildo or a garlic crusher if that’s what you’re asking.  It’s not fucking Amway.  Just a group of great folks who enjoy being around each other.  There’s a business group too.  Steve’s been up to his neck in new clients.”
    BFF Patty’s husband is an attorney.  An old Charleston attorney, and that makes him more dangerous than the spiders, stingrays and jellyfish Simmons writes about.  But she’s right, the thought of calling him and asking for a referral for a divorce attorney has crossed my mind.  It’s a plan that’s still in the infantile stage because I’m dragging my feet.  Every time I think of calling him, something in my heart pinches too painfully.  “Get to the part about how it saved your marriage.  That’s the part I want to know.”
    “There were lessons.  I’m talking fairly dirty stuff here, stuff you wouldn’t try probably.  I don’t even know why I’m telling you this.  You aren’t going to try it.”
    Ah the real nitty-gritty of the matter.  She’s afraid to tell me because she thinks it’ll offend my sensibilities.  But you know what?  Maybe it’s time someone offended them.  I’m only having a brave moment because Vagina’s interested in hearing the dirty stuff, but I can’t help myself; it’s a train wreck.  “Tell me.”
    “Nah, I really shouldn’t.  I mean privacy is uber important here.”
    I glance across the pool deck where my pit bull mix is sunning himself, “Tater?  You gonna tell?”  He lifts his head at the sound of his name, but not seeing a ball in my hand he re-joins his nap.  “See, just you and me.  You better tell me or I’ll light a candle at Mass for your Momma and tell her about your tattoo.”  I know she’ll take me seriously now.  Her Momma had that whole Geechie/Gullah/Witch doctor thing going on, and boy did she scare the hell out of us sometimes.
    I can see the dilemma wearing on her.  “You have to swear on our friendship that you’ll never repeat a word?”
    I cross my heart.
    “Okay, but remember when your fanning yourself for air that I didn’t want to tell you.  You forced me.”
    I nod.
    “There are lessons; training lessons that you have to go through.  Jonathon mixes them up for everyone so I can’t tell you what you’d have to do exactly.  But I’ll tell you that mine started with sucking his cock in his office.”
    I choke.  “Holy HELL!”
    “See I told you.  No way you’d do that.”
    And I