Free-Range Chickens Read Free Page B

That’s when you remember: the cable in your apartment is broken and the guy isn’t coming to fix it until Saturday. You flip around for a while, but the only channels you get are CBS and NBC. CBS is playing
The Early Show.
NBC is playing the
Today
show.
             
    If you decide to watch
The Early Show
on CBS, turn to Page Three.
    If you decide to watch the
Today
show on NBC, turn to Page Four.
    PAGE THREE
    You watch
The Early Show.
             
    Turn to Page Five.
    PAGE FOUR
    You watch the
Today
show.
             
    Turn to Page Five.
    PAGE FIVE
    You go to the bathroom and look at your face. What happened? You used to be young and it wasn’t so long ago. Jesus. Maybe you should have just gone to work.

    THE END

    PAGE SIX
    You go to work. The Projects Meeting is about as horrible as you expected. It’s just the same thing every time. Mr. Cohen talking about “viability,” and everybody nodding and looking at the clock, waiting for lunch to start, like a bunch of animals. When you get down to it, everybody is basically just an animal—eating, sleeping, eating, sleeping. Dying. Christ. Maybe you should have just called in sick.

    THE END

Actor’s nightmare
    FORD’S THEATER, 1865
    ( LADY HAMPTON
and
LORD HAMPTON
enter stage right.)
    LADY HAMPTON: Good afternoon, sir.
    LORD HAMPTON: Good afternoon.
    (President Lincoln shot in the head.)
    STAGE MANAGER:
(offstage)
Keep going!

Demands
    Dear cops,
    I’ll release the hostages if you bring me the following items:

    1) Combination to bank vault or some kind of machine that can open vaults
    2) A strong bag that is big enough to fit all of the money from the vault
    3) A second criminal to help me carry this bag out of the bank
    4) Ropes to tie up the hostages so they don’t walk around so much
    5) A third criminal with a car who can drive us away as soon as we get outside with the bag
    6) MapQuest directions from the bank parking lot to Mexico
    7) Some general information on Mexico (what kind of currency they use, which sports are popular there, basic culture things)
    8) English to Spanish dictionary
    9) Someone needs to go back to my apartment and bring me my asthma inhaler. It’s either in the medicine cabinet or on the little table next to the futon.
    10) There’s a small chance I left the stove on in my apartment. I don’t think I did, but I’m a little bit worried because I can’t actually visualize myself turning it off. Anyway, whichever policeman goes to get the inhaler should also check to make sure the burner is all the way off because I left my cat behind and I don’t want him to inhale any gas.
    11) I just realized that someone is going to have to adopt my cat. His name is Rudy and he is very smart and affectionate. I’m not just saying that because he is mine—he is a really special animal. He has a slight bladder problem but it’s not bad as long as you give him his medication (the directions are on the bottle).
    12) I forgot to give Rudy his pill this morning. Just give him two tonight. You’re really not supposed to do it like that, but it’s okay if it ends up happening once in a while.
    13) Some kind of weapon.

Gotham City Hall
    BATMAN: Thanks for taking the time to meet with me, Mayor.
    MAYOR: Of course, Batman. What’s on your mind?
    BATMAN: It’s about the prison system. I really think you should increase funding.
    MAYOR: We’ve already been over this, Batman. We simply don’t have the resources.
    BATMAN: But Gotham City
needs
a maximum security prison. I mean…look at these statistics.
(Takes out pie chart.)
Scarecrow has escaped eleven times. The Riddler has escaped sixty-four times. The Joker has escaped
four thousand
times. It’s like, what’s the point of even
having
a prison?
    MAYOR: I wish there was something I could do, but the annual budget’s already been finalized.
    BATMAN: You know these guys are trying to kill me, right?
    MAYOR: I’ll tell you what: I can transfer the Joker to the Asylum for the