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checked these results by asking the question another way and got an even stronger response. Four out of five women acknowledged sometimes feeling insecure about their man’s love and the relationship. Among women under forty-five, the percentage jumped to 91 percent, and among those with children in middle school or younger, it was almost universal.
    I realize us guys can understand this foreign-seeming insecurity if we compare it to one of our own. As one woman put it, “You know that record that’s always running in a guy’s head about providing? Well,
we
have the same fundamental concern about our relationship all the time. And if it’s not going well, it can mess up everything else in our lives.”
    My Second Surprise—How intensely painful these feelings are
    Almost every woman I asked said she cared about her man so much that when this relational insecurity was triggered, it was very painful—sometimes almost debilitating—and it became difficult, if not impossible, for them to get it off their minds. As several women put it, “When we’re at odds, nothing is right with the world until it is resolved.”
    On the survey, three out of four women agreed, saying that this “Does he really love me?” concern left them feeling preoccupied, emotionally withdrawn, depressed, or affected in other “visible” ways. Look at the data:

    When you are feeling insecure about his love or the relationship, which of the following are true about your feelings? [Choose all correct answers. *1 ]

    You and I have every right to think the woman we love
shouldn’t
feel insecure. We’re faithful, we go to work, we
do
love her…and we’re still here. But just because we think our wife
should
feel secure doesn’t mean that she always
does
. Which leads to my third realization.

    Just because we think our wife
should
feel secure about our love doesn’t mean that she always
does
.
    My Third Surprise—How resistant to “logic” (i.e. my logic) her feelings remain
    As Shaunti points out: “It’s irrelevant whether she should ‘know logically’ that she’s loved. If she doesn’t
feel
loved, it’s the same for her as if she
isn’t
loved.”
    One survey taker put it this way:

    I wish he realized that where he processes everything based just on logic, I process information based also on emotion. He says that I know logically that he loves me, and that should be enough. But the fact is, emotionally I don’t
feel
loved.

    Again, think about one of our own “resistant to logic” concerns. Even secure guys who are good at their jobs inwardly feel—all logic to the contrary—that they still could be just a few mistakes or industry hiccups away from losing their job. And even women in good relationships feel that they could be just a few bad blowups away from losing their man’s love.
    As one woman said, “I don’t think we ever take his love for granted.”

    Even women in good relationships feel that they could be just a few bad blowups away from losing their man’s love.
    Hidden Triggers
    What sets these insecurity tremors off? What in the course of everyday life in a reasonably healthy relationship is most likely to drive her to wonder, “Does he still love me?” (Other than the big, obvious factors such as infidelity or physical violence?) Here are a few triggers:

    • Conflict —anything that gives her the feeling that something is wrong, that the two of you are at odds, or that you are unhappy with her. As one woman put it, “A lot of desperate feelings surface for me when I feel like my husband is displeased with me. I know it sounds old-fashioned, and I’m a pretty independent person, but it still really affects me.”
    • Withdrawal —which is, of course, how we often respond to conflict! We tend to retreat into silence to escape unwanted feelings, because we can’t fully articulate something yet, or to avoid saying something hurtful. Unfortunately, seeing her man withdraw or be moody usually