Five Television Plays (David Mamet) Read Free

Pause. )
    W INNIE: Now what?
    J UDGE: You may present your case.
    W INNIE: It's my turn to speak?
    J UDGE: Yes.
    W INNIE ( sings ):
    Let me preface my remarks by saying
    that I have to catch a bus
    Because I am enroute to Yellowstone Park
    Where, my son and I are taking
    a long-planned vacation
    In the wilds of this great land.
    I am a simple kind of gal which is to say
    I'm just as complex as the rest of us here but
    there are some basic things that I believe in
    one of which is
    that we are entitled to a just pay
    for the work that we do
    in my case a waitress
    which is to say that I work for tips.
    Okay?
    My salary is directly tied to this one thing:
    my ability to please, which is to say, to make comfortable
    the patrons of my restaurant, who have come out to eat.
    The first rule of which is:
    THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT.
    Which rule I do adhere to.
    IN THIS CASE HOWEVER. ONE:
    The man performed a criminal act . . .
    C ONGRESSMAN: . . . I DID NOT.
    W INNIE: AND I asked him . . .
    L AWYER: What was that act?
    W INNIE: He stole my tip.
    L AWYER: I rest my case.
    W INNIE: I asked him to replace it. He did not, and two: I called upon the customers to help me out. That's the beginning and the end, and that is what occurred. Now; are we free to leave?
    D OUG: Can we go now?
    ( End of song. )
    J UDGE: Can you prove that he took your tip?
    W INNIE: No .
    J UDGE: You can not?
    W INNIE: No . The only proof is that I saw him.
    J UDGE: We will now consider this case.
    D OUG: Mom, do we have time to make the bus . . . ?
    W INNIE ( simultaneously with “bus" ): Just barely. If he does this quick.
    J UDGE: Here are my feelings: this has gotten out of hand. I think it can be settled quickly. ( Pause. ) As we all have better things to do. ( Pause. ) I think that a simple apology will suffice.
    W INNIE: I'll accept that. Your Honor. I notice that you didn't say that he had to give back my tip. There is a principle involved, but I am willing to forget that, in the interest of getting out of town . . . ( To D OUG, as she checks her watch: ) Okay, let's go, we can just make it . . . ( They walk toward the courtroom doors carrying their rucksacks. ) And I willwaive that principle and accept the Congressman's sincere apology. Also, he has to say he'll never do it again.
    J UDGE: You misunderstand me. You'll have to apologize to him.
    ( Pause. )
    W INNIE: I . . . what?
    J UDGE: You will have to . . .
    W INNIE: I . . . ?
    J UDGE: Apologize to the Congressman.
    ( Pause. )
    W INNIE: For what?
    J UDGE: For maligning his reputation.
    W INNIE: HE STOLE MY TIP.
    J UDGE: We have no way of knowing what he might have done, except your word. His reputation, which is a weighty thing, is at stake, and rather than prolong this, and to allow you to catch your bus, if you will just state that you . . . could have made a mistake . . .
    L AWYER: I OBJECT.
    J UDGE: Excuse me: if you will just say that you could have made a mistake, this case will be closed and you can go to Yellowstone.
    ( Pause. )
    W INNIE: You want me to say he didn't steal my tip. ( Pause. ) I do that and we can go.
    J UDGE: Yes.
    W INNIE: What if I don't say that?
    J UDGE: You will go to jail.
    W INNIE: Hmm.
    ( Pause. )
    J UDGE: The choice is yours. What do you choose to do? And I would remind you that you have but five minutes to catch your bus.
    W INNIE: Well. This would seem to be the crux of the whole matter here.
    R ANGER: I would say so.
    W INNIE ( to D OUG): Whaddya think, kid? This guy stole my tip, and if I lie about it we can go free, if not . . . it's, it's your trip, you tell mmm . . . naa, that's ridiculous. What am I going to do? Teach my kid his mom's a liar for the sake of expediency?
    L AWYER: He wants to go camping.
    W INNIE: So he won't go camping. That's not under my control, and I never promised him that I was superman, all that I told him was I'd tell the truth.
    J UDGE: And so?
    W INNIE: Take me to jail and be damned with you. He stole my tip. ( She is led from the