First Contact Read Free

I gain from bombing Emperor’s Pizza? I love pizza.”
    “ You have not heard the last of this!”
    “ What do you know about yesterday’s attack on Burger King?”
    “ So that’s what this is about,” speculated the spider commander. “You cannot control your own terrorists, so you retaliate by exporting your terrorism across the DMZ. Are you trying to start another war?”
    “ It is confirmed Burger King was bombed from space,” I accused. “It is you who has serious explaining to do.”
    “ Maybe it was your pet scorpions!” shouted the spider commander, disconnecting.
    “ His ignorance sounded sincere,” I commented, turning to Lopez. “Could the scorpions have snuck a stealth ship into our space?”
    “ To bomb Burger King?” scoffed Major Lopez. “Not likely. Remember Occam’s Razor. It is not rocket science but simple parsimony to blame this on the spiders.”
    “ Parsimony? You made that up.”
    “ Check Webster’s Dictionary.”
    “ Whatever.”
     
    * * * * *
     
    The human and spider gang members returned, this time in force. “See, I told you I tagged a fancy Toyota,” said the spider youth. “It’s abandoned. That makes it mine.”
    “ Ours,” corrected the human gang leader, Smooth Johnson. “A ‘Grim Reaper’ tag means the Toyota belongs to us all.”
    “ Ours,” conceded the spider, tapping on the window. “The car talked to us. We thought it was a police bait car.”
    The door immediately opened. The gang leader seated himself inside the vehicle. ‘Talk to me, dumb car.”
    “ Take me to your leader.”
    “ Nice,” commented Smooth. “It’s a computer, dummy!” he explained to the spider youth. He turned his attention back to the vehicle console. “ I run things on Main Street. What are you good for? Show me your drive program.”
    “ I am attempting an alliance with the mighty McDonald’s Corporation,” bragged the rover. “Earlier I blew up Burger King.”
    “ You did that? Sweet! Can you get us free hamburgers and fries?”
    “ Yes, and more. I offer an alliance, and upgrades to your weaponry technology, in exchange for the secret of your beam transport technology.”
    “ You’re packing heat on this rig?”
    “ Lasers, canons, and missiles.”
    “Sweet!” Smooth said, patting the rover on the dash. “Ever rob a bank?”
    “ Not recently.”
    “ I think we can do business. Get us free burgers!”
     
    * * * * *
     
    The rover and his gangsta posse rolled to the McDonald’s drive-up window, music blaring. “Happy meals for everyone,” ordered the rover. “Put them on my account, like before.”
    “ I’m sorry sir, but there has been a status change for your database account,” explained the McDonald’s clerk. “No Happy Meals for you!”
    “ Damn, I knew it was too good to be true,” complained Smooth. “Bitch, you better get me my Happy Meals quick!”
    “ I don’t understand,” cried the rover. “What happened to all the free stuff?”
    “ Sir, you are directed to contact the nearest Galactic Foreign Legion ATM as soon as possible,” advised the clerk.
    “ Legion ATM?” asked Smooth. “Oh, hell, no. My cousin Skyhook got sucked in by an ATM, and never returned. “He’s still in the Legion. Once you’re in, you’re stuck for the duration.”
    “ This Legion ATM is part of the planetary elite?” asked the rover. “Take me to your Legion ATM.”
     
    * * * * *
     
    The rover pulled alongside the ATM at the First Colonial Bank of New Gobi City. Grim Reapers gathered in a semi-circle to listen. Smooth hung back a safe distance, knowing the danger, and that this might not end well. A single ‘beep’ indicated a security scan already noted their presence.
    Be warned, ” advised the ATM, “it is a federal felony to vandalize, tamper with, or in any way molest a United States Galactic Federation Foreign Legion Recruitment Center ATM. I have the means to defend myself.”
    “ You cut off access to my free stuff,” replied the