Everything Was Fine Until Whatever Read Free Page A

shouldn’t have had to eagerly offer my passivity. But these, admittedly, were not the kinds of opinions that made me a successful businesswoman.
    He finally said, “I’m giving you fifty dollars because that’s what I want to spend, not because that’s what you’re charging.”
    I said, “If you want that much control, you can suck your own dick.”
    He said, “I’ll give you fifty dollars to pretend you love me.”
    I said, “Okay, you’ve got one hour.”
    I wrapped my arms around him and said, “I love you.”
    He said, “Elaborate on that.”
    So I baked him a cherry walnut tart and sprinkled powdered sugar onto it.
    He said, “Be more realistic.”
    So I didn’t eat my portion and looked longingly into his eyes. I initiated a game of footsie that apparently made JR think our relationship was getting too complicated.
    He said, “I want a kind of love that’s open and comfortable.”
    So I told him about all the insecurities and body image issues I had as a young girl and how I dealt with those issues by running away from home. Then I fell asleep in his arms.
    He said, “Well maybe I didn’t mean that.”
    So I laughed at whatever he said. I laughed so hard I started crying, so I excused myself to the ladies’ room and applied more makeup.
    He said, “Someone as beautiful as you could never really love me.”
    So I smudged my makeup a little to make him more comfortable.
    He said,“This all seems too painless to be real love.”
    So I stood up and demanded to know why he was home so late the night before.
    He said, “I like where this is going.”
    So I made jealous comments about his ex-girlfriends and demanded that he reenact our first telephone conversation. When he couldn’t remember the correct sequence of our conversation, I accused him of cheating on me. I ordered a bouquet of flowers online, had them delivered to myself, and made JR believe they were from another man.
    He said, “I think I’m really starting to fall for you.”
    So I got drunk and hacked into his email account and got upset about year-old emails from other girls and then cried myself to sleep.
    He said, “Now I feel left out.”
    So I begged him never to leave me.
    He said, “Just a little less desperate and a little more playful.”
    So I tattooed his name onto my right breast and posted a photo of it on the Internet.
    He said, “That would work really well as an action shot, don’t you think?”
    So I let him suckle my nipple for the last two minutes while I uploaded the new picture. I titled it ‘Please don’t let this end so it can never begin again.’
    He said, “Can I see you again? Can I call you?” and discreetly put fifty dollars on the table. I pretended not to notice what he did.
    I looked at him as if to say, “Where’s my cash?”
    He waited for me to pick the money up. The way I saw it was; I’m his employee, and he’s my boss. I shouldn’t have to remind him to pay me. He shouldn’t be able to be so indirect. He gestured subtly toward the money, and I was careful not to follow his gaze. I wasn’t going to let him win that easily.
     

Maybe Her Pending Corpse is a Window
     
    Kate is dying. She is getting close to death. Her houseguest, an Internet stranger named Ira, who has arranged to sleep on her couch for the next four days through an online social network catering to travelers, is halfway on the sidewalk and halfway on the street in a strange town, and he is watching her die.
    “Kate,” he thinks, but then his thought just ends. They met less than an hour ago. They were on bicycles. He thinks this is just perfect.
    He doesn’t know much about her. They had dropped his things off at her apartment and were on their way to get a few groceries. He is traveling through the states. He has recently been dumped by a girlfriend and is determined to find himself. He sublet his apartment in Detroit to a couple of his ex-girlfriend’s close friends. He wonders now if that was a good idea.
    It