Everything Was Fine Until Whatever Read Free

an objective eye each day. The heavy rouge you’ve been sporting for five years may offend those who have not seen the historical progression.
Resist buying Revlon products, because their commercials suck.
Snort powder to make up that hard-to-reach cerebrum.
If your face is large, you will have to plan more makeup products into your budget.
Makeup can be used in large amounts and with high contrast as an alternative to hormone replacement therapy.
    Sometimes I read my own poetry and think that’s not right. Or I read it and call my mom and ask her to be nice to me
     

His Lies Taste like Eggs Benedict
     
    You force his name casually into conversation and then you see him at Denny’s. He is with his girlfriend and she is not you. She doesn’t look anything like you. You worry that he had no discretion when it comes to girls. You say ‘hi’ like you are just friends and order coffee. He gestures to his girlfriend that he wants to leave, a touching moment. Without having been introduced to her, you ask him for his uneaten omelet and sourdough toast. This simple request suggests how comfortable you feel with him, how close and naked you had been together. His girlfriend knows this. She envisions the two of you close and naked in this way, and calculates when and where you were, how it happened, and where she had been at the time. You look at her as if to say, “I still have a pair of his boxers, but you can have them back at any time. I feel for you.” She understands this, but still seems unsure about you. You would’ve liked to have taken her aside and explained yourself. You would’ve liked to have taken her aside and made jokes about his penis or cunnilingus technique. She wouldn’t’ve laughed, though, and you wouldn’t’ve become friends. To her, you aren’t on the same team. To her, his penis and cunnilingus technique are serious matters.
    He weighs his options. If he gives you the omelet, he will essentially be apologizing to you, showing that he knows you are owed something, and thereby admitting he has done something to hurt you. Denying you the omelet, on the other hand, would simply be passive aggression, which he should know is never attractive or clever. You would probably take the omelet anyway, after he left, he knew. Still, the decision is his. The omelet waits. You sip coffee, scorching hot, and don’t flinch.
     

God’s Girlfriend
     
    God’s girlfriend was on the toilet feeling more important than God, but irritable and crampy. Pissed off at the world.
    What a crummy world , she thought, God can’t do anything right.
    God was in the other room, fighting with the fax machine.
    Forever is so long, she thought, You have to think about it only in smaller parts, month by month, week by week. I look forward to Thursday, when my period ends.
    I need some excitement, she thought, God should’ve invented more hot guys. He probably thinks this is funny.
    She knew what was happening. She was taking the biggest crap of her life. She was embarrassed by the size of it.
    “God, if this shit was a dick, that dick would be a big dick,” she said.
    “What?” said God.
    “’What’ what?” said God’s girlfriend.
    God said “bullshit” at the fax machine.
    “It’s fucking brand new,” he said.
    Later that evening, God’s girlfriend called her mother, and they talked about how to prepare frozen meals so that they taste homemade, and they both sighed audibly.
     

I’ve been sitting in this goddamned bathroom for over an hour trying to think of a way to steal a roll of toilet paper.
     

Beginnings That Lead to Middles
     
    I met JR for the first time outside of Mervyn’s and we immediately got into a power struggle. He stood idly beside me, waiting for me to solicit him. I smoked my cigarette confidently two yards away, waiting to be solicited. The way I saw it was; if I had to end up being submissive and attentive to him, he should be able to grow some balls and initiate the encounter. I