barely imagine Dean giving me a hug, and I know and like the guy. So how can I be comfortable with some stranger having sex with me? It’s – I just can’t.”
He was breathing a bit more easily now.
“So.” She bit her lip. “So… I wanted to ask you.”
“Ask me what?” he said.
“I wanted to ask if you’d be my sex surrogate.”
Chris stared at her, completely stunned. “You – you what?”
“I know it’s crazy,” she blurted, starting to lose her cool now; her words came faster, as she decided to just say it all while she had the courage.
“I mean, you’re not trained and it’s a lot to ask, and you can say no if you want to, of course, but I trust you and sometimes I even want you to touch me – like give me a hug – so I know I’m not afraid of your body. And we’d take it really, really slow… and I’m not even sure I’d be able to have sex, to be honest, maybe all I’d ever be able to do is let you hold me. Maybe I’m really that broken, after what happened. But I have to try , you see. I have to ask. I have to see if you’ll – if you can. Help me.”
Chris was frozen with shock. “You – you’d want me to… touch you? Even though it scares you?”
She nodded, her throat too tight to speak.
“And if things went OK, then we’d move forward? Like… make love? Eventually?”
Jenny looked down, her eyes welling with tears. “God, Chris. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. It was wrong of me to put you on the spot like this.” She stood up. “I’ll go.”
Chris got to his feet too, his hands facing palms-up in a gesture of supplication. “OK, whoa. Sweetheart, sit down again. Let’s – let’s just talk this through a bit more. Alright?”
She nodded and sat down. She wiped the tears from her eyes.
“So, what you’re asking is for me to help you get used to being touched by a man again,” he said softly. “So you can remember that not all male touch is scary. Right?”
“Right.”
“And you’d want us to take this as far as possible, depending on how much you can handle. I’d have to be prepared to – to go all the way. If it got to that.”
“Yes.”
He took a deep breath. “I don’t know, Jenny. What happens when you’re scared? How can I – what would I do to calm you down, make you feel safe again?” He ran his hands through his hair. “I’m not a therapist, I’m not a doctor. Fuck, I’m just a mechanic. I’d be sure to screw it all up, somehow. Make it worse.”
“We’d have to talk all that through.” Her eyes were huge in her pale face. “I’d tell you what I’d need you to do if I panicked.”
“And what if I scared you?” he asked. “What if you thought you were ready and you weren’t? I wouldn’t be able to live with that, baby. I can’t imagine being with you and you being so afraid of me… ”
“I wouldn’t be afraid of you ,” Jenny said. “I’d be afraid , sure. But when I was feeling that way, I’d trust you to help me through it, to do what had to be done to calm me down. I’d know that I was safe with you, no matter what I was experiencing. You’d give me that security, Chris.”
He was silent, thinking.
“Look.” She twisted her fingers in her lap. “Take some time, OK? Think it over. Talk to the guys, if you need to. Talk to Emma.”
“Emma?”
“Yeah, she knows all about this. She’s had several patients work with sex surrogates, and she knows that I’ve been thinking about asking you.”
“She does?” He blinked in astonishment. “What does she think about it?”
“She thinks you’d be perfect for me.” Jenny managed a smile. “She said that you’re a great guy, and she’d trust you to take care of me. But if you need to talk to her, she said she’s happy to help you.”
“OK,” he said slowly. “Let me think it through. It’s Christmas in a few days, and I’m going home to my family for the holidays. Can we talk when I get back?”
“Yes,” she said. “Take all
He was breathing a bit more easily now.
“So.” She bit her lip. “So… I wanted to ask you.”
“Ask me what?” he said.
“I wanted to ask if you’d be my sex surrogate.”
Chris stared at her, completely stunned. “You – you what?”
“I know it’s crazy,” she blurted, starting to lose her cool now; her words came faster, as she decided to just say it all while she had the courage.
“I mean, you’re not trained and it’s a lot to ask, and you can say no if you want to, of course, but I trust you and sometimes I even want you to touch me – like give me a hug – so I know I’m not afraid of your body. And we’d take it really, really slow… and I’m not even sure I’d be able to have sex, to be honest, maybe all I’d ever be able to do is let you hold me. Maybe I’m really that broken, after what happened. But I have to try , you see. I have to ask. I have to see if you’ll – if you can. Help me.”
Chris was frozen with shock. “You – you’d want me to… touch you? Even though it scares you?”
She nodded, her throat too tight to speak.
“And if things went OK, then we’d move forward? Like… make love? Eventually?”
Jenny looked down, her eyes welling with tears. “God, Chris. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. It was wrong of me to put you on the spot like this.” She stood up. “I’ll go.”
Chris got to his feet too, his hands facing palms-up in a gesture of supplication. “OK, whoa. Sweetheart, sit down again. Let’s – let’s just talk this through a bit more. Alright?”
She nodded and sat down. She wiped the tears from her eyes.
“So, what you’re asking is for me to help you get used to being touched by a man again,” he said softly. “So you can remember that not all male touch is scary. Right?”
“Right.”
“And you’d want us to take this as far as possible, depending on how much you can handle. I’d have to be prepared to – to go all the way. If it got to that.”
“Yes.”
He took a deep breath. “I don’t know, Jenny. What happens when you’re scared? How can I – what would I do to calm you down, make you feel safe again?” He ran his hands through his hair. “I’m not a therapist, I’m not a doctor. Fuck, I’m just a mechanic. I’d be sure to screw it all up, somehow. Make it worse.”
“We’d have to talk all that through.” Her eyes were huge in her pale face. “I’d tell you what I’d need you to do if I panicked.”
“And what if I scared you?” he asked. “What if you thought you were ready and you weren’t? I wouldn’t be able to live with that, baby. I can’t imagine being with you and you being so afraid of me… ”
“I wouldn’t be afraid of you ,” Jenny said. “I’d be afraid , sure. But when I was feeling that way, I’d trust you to help me through it, to do what had to be done to calm me down. I’d know that I was safe with you, no matter what I was experiencing. You’d give me that security, Chris.”
He was silent, thinking.
“Look.” She twisted her fingers in her lap. “Take some time, OK? Think it over. Talk to the guys, if you need to. Talk to Emma.”
“Emma?”
“Yeah, she knows all about this. She’s had several patients work with sex surrogates, and she knows that I’ve been thinking about asking you.”
“She does?” He blinked in astonishment. “What does she think about it?”
“She thinks you’d be perfect for me.” Jenny managed a smile. “She said that you’re a great guy, and she’d trust you to take care of me. But if you need to talk to her, she said she’s happy to help you.”
“OK,” he said slowly. “Let me think it through. It’s Christmas in a few days, and I’m going home to my family for the holidays. Can we talk when I get back?”
“Yes,” she said. “Take all
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