20 years later again, old and embittered now, still single because I’d never found anyone good enough for me in Hickery. In that moment I realised if I wanted an adventurous life I was going to have to create it.
I decided then and there to go for it. Perhaps it wasn’t the life I had dreamed of, but it was a damn site more interesting than where my current one was headed. And besides, it would fix my Lenny problem, and if it meant never having to see Ellen again, it was worth leaving town.
***
The New South Wales (NSW) Police application form was causing me some difficulties. The first few questions had been easy enough (Name – Chanel Smith, Age – 24, Address – 56 Swallow Crescent, Hickery), but then they had gotten trickier. I mean they wanted to know what colour my hair was. That changed from week to week. I had, on occasion, been known to match the colour of my hair to my shoes and handbag. If I put down one colour now, would I have to be that colour when I went for the official interview?
I decided to come back to that one and continued my way down the form.
Eye colour?
Green
Height?
165cms
(Without my high heels.)
Weight?
60kgs
(In the morning, naked, when I hadn’t had pasta the night before.)
Skin type?
What did they mean by that? Did they want to know what season colours matched my skin type? After a brief conversation with Mum – who was a little confused as to why I was filling it out when I’d already been accepted – I wrote olive, and continued down the form.
Religion?
I wasn’t sure I believed in God. I mean, present day excluded, he didn’t seem to have ever shown any sort of interest in me, and I had considered him with the same indifference. In the end I wrote down Anglican.
Have you ever been convicted of a felony?
I searched my iPhone dictionary for the word felony and then wrote no.
Have you ever bought unsolicited drugs?
My mind twitched nervously away from the small amount of pot Becky and I had bought as teenagers. Surely that didn’t count – I hadn’t even inhaled. And then of course there were the two Viagra pills I had bought on holidays in Thailand with Becky. She had dared me to do it, and they still sat in the top drawer of my bedside table. Finally concluding there was no possible way they could ever find out about those I wrote no and continued.
Why do you want to join the Police Force?
Well the truth would never do. I tapped my pen against my teeth while I thought about it. Finally writing down – I want to do the best for my country that I can and I feel I can achieve this by becoming a police officer. I was quite proud of the answer.
I returned to the hair colour question and, deciding it wouldn’t hurt me to stay the same colour for a little while, wrote blonde. I had been considering some caramel foils, but I figured that would still classify.
After I had mailed it I slouched on the couch while Mum cooked me dinner. Becky was coming around with chocolate and ice-cream to watch movies later on and I was looking forward to telling her about my plans.
Predictably, her blue eyes filled with tears when I told her I had filled out the application form.
‘So you’re really going?’
‘I think so,’ I said. I mean there was always a chance they wouldn’t accept me.
‘I’ll miss you.’
‘Come with me,’ I said. ‘Think of the fun we could have.’
She looked for a few seconds as if she were really contemplating it, and then she shook her head.
‘Bobby?’ I asked.
‘He’s talking about getting married,’ she confirmed.
‘What do you want more – babies and marriage, or travel and excitement?’
She smiled at me. I already knew the answer to that. Becky had always been more domesticated than me. She had done most of my home economics assignments at school (all the ones I had passed) and had been dating Bobby since the ninth grade. He was a nice enough boy – a little boring by my standards, but I was sure he would make her a
I decided then and there to go for it. Perhaps it wasn’t the life I had dreamed of, but it was a damn site more interesting than where my current one was headed. And besides, it would fix my Lenny problem, and if it meant never having to see Ellen again, it was worth leaving town.
***
The New South Wales (NSW) Police application form was causing me some difficulties. The first few questions had been easy enough (Name – Chanel Smith, Age – 24, Address – 56 Swallow Crescent, Hickery), but then they had gotten trickier. I mean they wanted to know what colour my hair was. That changed from week to week. I had, on occasion, been known to match the colour of my hair to my shoes and handbag. If I put down one colour now, would I have to be that colour when I went for the official interview?
I decided to come back to that one and continued my way down the form.
Eye colour?
Green
Height?
165cms
(Without my high heels.)
Weight?
60kgs
(In the morning, naked, when I hadn’t had pasta the night before.)
Skin type?
What did they mean by that? Did they want to know what season colours matched my skin type? After a brief conversation with Mum – who was a little confused as to why I was filling it out when I’d already been accepted – I wrote olive, and continued down the form.
Religion?
I wasn’t sure I believed in God. I mean, present day excluded, he didn’t seem to have ever shown any sort of interest in me, and I had considered him with the same indifference. In the end I wrote down Anglican.
Have you ever been convicted of a felony?
I searched my iPhone dictionary for the word felony and then wrote no.
Have you ever bought unsolicited drugs?
My mind twitched nervously away from the small amount of pot Becky and I had bought as teenagers. Surely that didn’t count – I hadn’t even inhaled. And then of course there were the two Viagra pills I had bought on holidays in Thailand with Becky. She had dared me to do it, and they still sat in the top drawer of my bedside table. Finally concluding there was no possible way they could ever find out about those I wrote no and continued.
Why do you want to join the Police Force?
Well the truth would never do. I tapped my pen against my teeth while I thought about it. Finally writing down – I want to do the best for my country that I can and I feel I can achieve this by becoming a police officer. I was quite proud of the answer.
I returned to the hair colour question and, deciding it wouldn’t hurt me to stay the same colour for a little while, wrote blonde. I had been considering some caramel foils, but I figured that would still classify.
After I had mailed it I slouched on the couch while Mum cooked me dinner. Becky was coming around with chocolate and ice-cream to watch movies later on and I was looking forward to telling her about my plans.
Predictably, her blue eyes filled with tears when I told her I had filled out the application form.
‘So you’re really going?’
‘I think so,’ I said. I mean there was always a chance they wouldn’t accept me.
‘I’ll miss you.’
‘Come with me,’ I said. ‘Think of the fun we could have.’
She looked for a few seconds as if she were really contemplating it, and then she shook her head.
‘Bobby?’ I asked.
‘He’s talking about getting married,’ she confirmed.
‘What do you want more – babies and marriage, or travel and excitement?’
She smiled at me. I already knew the answer to that. Becky had always been more domesticated than me. She had done most of my home economics assignments at school (all the ones I had passed) and had been dating Bobby since the ninth grade. He was a nice enough boy – a little boring by my standards, but I was sure he would make her a
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