Discworld 30 - Monstrous Regiment Read Free Page A

He looked like a watchman which, in
fact, Clarence understood, he was. This offended Clarence Chinny. People at the top should
look as though they belonged there.
‘That’s a very . . . interesting question, sir,’ he said. ‘You mean the people—’
‘Not the people, the nation,’ said Vimes. ‘Borogravia looks off its head, to me, from what
I’ve read. I expect the people just do the best they can and get on with raising their kids
which, I might say, I’d rather be doing right now, too. Look, you know what I mean. You
take a bunch of people who don’t seem any different from you and me, but when you add
them all together you get this sort of huge raving maniac with national borders and an
anthem.’
‘It’s a fascinating idea, sir,’ said Clarence diplomatically.
Vimes looked round the room. The walls were bare stone. The windows were narrow. It
was damn cold, even on a sunny day. All that bad food, and that bumping about and sleeping
on bad beds . . . and all that travelling in the dark, too, on dwarf barges in their secret canals
under the mountains - the gods alone knew what intricate diplomacy Lord Vetinari had pulled
off to get that, although the Low King owed Vimes a few favours . . .
. . . all of that for this cold castle over this cold river between these stupid countries, with
their stupid war. He knew what he wanted to do. If they’d been people, scuffling in the gutter,
he’d have known what to do. He’d have banged their heads together and maybe shoved them
in the cells overnight. You couldn’t bang countries together.
Vimes picked up some paperwork, fiddled with it, and threw it down again. ‘To hell with
this,’ he said. ‘What’s happening out there?’
‘I understand there are a few pockets of resistance in some of the more inaccessible areas
of the keep, but they are being dealt with. For all practical purposes the keep is in our hands.
That was a clever ruse of yours, your gr— sir.’
Vimes sighed. ‘No, Clarence, it was a dull old ruse. It should not be possible to get men
into a fortress dressed as washerwomen. Three of them had moustaches, for goodness’ sake!’
‘The Borogravians are rather . . . old-fashioned about things like that, sir. On that subject,
we appear to have zombies in the lower crypts. Dreadful things. A lot of high-ranking
Borogravian military men were interred down there over the centuries, apparently.’
‘Really? What are they doing now?’
Clarence raised his eyebrows. ‘Lurching, sir, I think. Groaning. Zombie things. Something
seems to have stirred them up.’
‘Us, probably,’ said Vimes. He got up, strode across the room, and pulled open the big
heavy door. ‘Reg!’ he yelled.
     
 
  
After a moment another watchman appeared, and saluted. He was grey-faced, and Clarence
couldn’t help noticing when the man saluted that the hand and fingers were held together
with stitching.
‘Have you met Constable Shoe, Clarence?’ said Vimes cheerfully. ‘One of my staff. Been
dead for more than thirty years, and loves every minute of it, eh, Reg?’
‘Right, Mister Vimes,’ said Reg, grinning and revealing a lot of brown teeth.
‘Some fellow countrymen of yours down in the cellar, Reg.’
‘Oh, dear. Lurching, are they?’
‘ ‘fraid so, Reg.’
‘I shall go and have a word with them,’ said Reg. He saluted again and marched out, with a
hint of lurch.
‘He’s, er, from here?’ said Chinny, who had gone quite pale.
‘Oh, no. The undiscovered country,’ said Vimes. ‘He’s dead. However, credit where it’s
due, he hasn’t let that stop him. You didn’t know we have a zombie in the Watch, Clarence?’
‘Er . . . no, sir. I’ve haven’t been back to the city in five years.’ He swallowed. ‘I gather
things have changed.’
Horribly so, in Clarence Chinny’s opinion. Being consul to Zlobenia had been an easy job,
which left him a lot of time to get on with his business. And then