Disappearing Acts Read Free

when Meat and I went over to Death’s Door to reshelve the books? Remember, after that sniper tipped over the shelves trying to get to me?”
    â€œI remember.”
    â€œWell, when we were shelving the books, I picked one up, and you know what the name of it was?”
    â€œI can’t imagine.”
    â€œFunny Bones —like the comedy club—and I got one of my premonitions.”
    â€œAnd I’ve got one of my premonitions. Your pizza’s getting cold.”
    Herculeah picked up the slice of pizza. “Oh, I wonder what they’re doing right now. I wish I could see Meat.”
    â€œI thought you weren’t worried about Meat.”
    â€œI’m not. I just wish I could see him.”
    â€œMeat’s conservative. He doesn’t take chances—not like you do. Meat’s always safe.”
    â€œNobody—” Herculeah looked at her mother. Her gray eyes were dark with concern. “Nobody is always safe.”

4
    MISSING PERSON
    â€œWe’re supposed to have a joke about ourselves,” a white-haired woman at the table with Meat told him. They sat side by side at one of the tables at Funny Bonz. “Did you know that?”
    â€œYes, I heard.”
    â€œI asked her,” she nodded to the girl across the table, “what hers was. Want to know what she said?”
    â€œI guess.”
    â€œShe said that everybody tells her she looks like Barbie, then she added, ‘Well, I do buy my clothes at Toys ”“ Us.’”
    Meat smiled.
    â€œI’m worried. I don’t think mine’s any good. Can I try it on you?”
    â€œSure.”
    â€œWell, everybody tells me I look like Mrs. Santa Claus, so that’s what my joke’s about. Here goes.” She took a breath. “It’s hard living with elves. It’s not like Snow White’s Dopey and Sneezy. Our elves are Gropey and Sleazy.” She gave him a hopeful look. “What do you think?”
    Meat was spared having to answer by the arrival of the teacher, a lanky man who was smiling and rubbing his hands together as if he were drying them.
    All the students broke into smiles—not because the teacher had said or done anything funny, but in anticipation of the funny things they would all be saying and doing before the night was over.
    The teacher, Mike Howard, counted heads and glanced at his watch. “Hey, we’re missing one.” He glanced around the room. “We’ll wait. This is one funny person—just about ready to try the circuit—wanted to sharpen things up a bit.”
    Meat glanced at the girl across the table. She did have a lot of hair like Barbie. And her clothes did look like they might have some from Toys “” Us.
    â€œSo what did you think?” Mrs. Santa Claus asked. “About my joke.”
    While Meat was working up a lie, someone at another table said, “While we’re sweating out the absentee, Mike, tell us how you got started.”
    â€œI thought you’d never ask.” He sat on the edge of one of the tables. “I got my start in fourth grade. I had never done one funny thing before, and then one day when the teacher, Miss Parotti, left the room, I was on my way to the pencil sharpener and I stopped at her desk and surprised myself by doing an imitation. ‘Boys and girls—’ Her nickname, incidentally, was Mush Mouth. ‘Boys and girls, will the person who made the bad smell please identify yourself by making another bad smell so that I can send you to the rest room.’”
    His imitation of Mush Mouth brought smiles, and Barbie let out a delighted yell: “I think I had her for home-room. ”
    â€œSo this huge, huge success—the first of my life—led to greater things. Mr. Ledbetter—he was the principal: ‘Now boys and girls, I am just getting over my hook-worm treatment and ...’”
    Everyone—including Meat—laughed this