Diary Read Free Page A

the front. Soot and smoke slip out until you have to pull the batteries from every smoke detector. By then the whole hotel smells a little on fire.
    Every time someone asks for table nine or ten by the fireplace and then bitches about the smoke and how it's too hot, and asks for a new table, you need to take a drink. Just a sip of whatever you've got. Cooking sherry works for your poor fat wife.
    This is a day in the life of Misty Marie, queen of the slaves.
    Another longest day of the year.
    It's a game anybody can play. This is just Misty's own personal coma.
    A couple drinks. A couple aspirin. Repeat.
    In the Wood and Gold Dining Room, across from the fireplace, are windows that look down the coastline. Half the glazing putty has dried hard and crumbled until the cold wind whistles inside. The windows sweat. Moisture inside the room collects on the glass and trickles down into a puddle until the floor is soaked through and the carpet smells bad as a whale washed up on the beach for the last two weeks of July. The view outside, the horizon is cluttered with billboards, the same brand names, for fast food, sunglasses, tennis shoes, that you see printed on the litter that marks the tide line.
    Floating in every wave, you see cigarette butts.
    Every time someone asks for table fourteen, fifteen, or sixteen by the windows and then complains about the cold draft and the stink of the squishy wet carpet, when they whine for a new table, you need to take a drink.
    These summer people, their holy grail is the perfect table. The power seat. Placement. The place they're sitting is never as good as where they aren't. It's so crowded, just getting across the dining room, you're punched in the stomach by elbows and hipbones. Slapped with purses.
    Before we go any further, you might want to put on some extra clothes. You might want to stock up on some extra B vitamins. Maybe some extra brain cells. If you're reading this in public, stop until you're wearing your best good underwear.
    Even before this, you might want to get on the list somewhere for a donor liver.
    You can see where this is going.
    This is where Misty Marie Kleinman's whole life has gone.
    You have endless ways you can commit suicide without
dying
dying.
    Whenever anyone from the mainland comes in with a group of her friends, all of them thin and tanned and sighing at the woodwork and white tableclothes, the crystal bud vases filled with roses and fern and the silver-plate antique everything, anytime someone says, “Well, you should serve
tofu
instead of veal!” take a drink.
    These thin women, maybe on the weekends you'll see a husband, short and dumpy, sweating so hard the black flock he sprays on his bald spot is running down the back of his neck. Thick rivers of dark sludge that stain the back of his shirt collar.
    Whenever one of the local sea turtles comes in clutching her pearls at her withered throat, old Mrs. Burton or Mrs. Seymour or Mrs. Perry, when she sees some skinny tanned summer women at her own personal favorite table since 1865 and says, “Misty, how
could
you? You know I'm always a regular here at noon on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Really, Misty . . .” then you need to take two drinks.
    When the summer people ask for coffee drinks with foamed milk or chelated silver or carob sprinkles or soy-based anything, take another drink.
    If they don't tip, take another.
    These summer women. They wear so much black eyeliner they could be wearing glasses. They wear dark brown lip liner, then eat until the lipstick inside is worn away. What's left is a table of skinny children, each with a dirty ring around her mouth. Their long hooked fingernails the pastel color of Jordan almonds.
    When it's summer and you still have to stoke the smoking fireplace, remove an article of clothing.
    When it's raining and the windows rattle in the cold draft, put on an article of clothing.
    A couple drinks. A couple aspirin. Repeat.
    When Peter's mother comes in with your daughter,