Defiled Forever Read Free Page A

appearance tonight when I see his pride in me shine through.
     
    “Lauren, you look so lovely. I love this new shorter hair on you. I am so proud of the young woman you have become.” He says as he hugs me.
     
    “Thanks Daddy. It’s still on the long side but it is a big change. Grown up hair for a grown up lady. No more school girl. You look very well yourself.” I offer and we sit down to enjoy a lengthy meal and an entire bottle of wine. Very unusual. New me and a new Daddy I guess.
     
    We spend way too much time talking about my Father’s new favorite thing: Matthew Lawson. I know he wants to push it but he holds back for fear of putting me off the idea. I make him smile when I tell him Matthew and I are meeting at the club tomorrow for tennis and a political thing Sunday afternoon. Twice in one weekend. Maybe things are progressing more than I thought. Sadly. I really just don’t care.

 
     
    Nine
     
    My summer is long, almost endless. Routine. I go to work Monday through Saturday on whatever days they need me. My schedule changes week to week. I see Matthew whenever and socialize with Amanda or occasionally other friends from school. It is pretty bland and boring. The only tingle of excitement is that I am sure I have a stalker. I am followed everywhere and watched all of the time. I am so screwed up mentally that I find it comforting to be stalked. I am not feeling threatened. Instead, I am happy to know my life isn’t completely bland and boring because of this one little thing. Wrong I know, but we know I am a messed up freak.
     
    I can’t be sure it is Nikolai or even his doing. I want it to be. The few times I have spotted my stalker off in the distance, he slips into the shadows or disappears completely just when I am about to get a good look at his face. I find myself looking out for him. He will be across the street from the gallery, covered up in a hoodie or outside on the corner near my favorite coffee shop. Always there, but always too far away.
     
    I hear his steps behind me when I walk to my car in a parking garage. I spot his hoodie when I am shopping and outside the restaurant when I am out with Matthew. I feel him there when we are dancing and acting silly in a club. My stalker is always there.
     
    It’s kind of all I have. I want more, but certainly not with Matthew. Now that I have felt the highs that Nikolai gave me in bed and I know what it feels like to be totally consumed, I want to feel it again. Without it I feel only half alive.
     
    I am such a discredit to women everywhere. I seem like a spineless wimp. I need a man to complete me? Eww ! I need sex to be overwhelming and all consuming. I need the uncertainty of life or death when Nikolai is making me come while his hand squeezes my throat. Ugh! I am a disgrace to women everywhere! I am a disgrace to the strong independent woman I always thought I would be!
     
    I read erotic romance novels now. The darker the better. I am seeking more and can’t find it. I hate Nikolai for turning me into this person. I hope I never see him again for the rest of my life, yet I dream of him every night and fantasize about him every day. I fantasize about him alone in my bed some nights when I make myself come. What a loser I am.

 
     
    Ten
     
    With summer winding to a close, I need to be amping up for classes to start up in the fall. I find it hard to get excited about anything these days. With fall comes the big elections so Matthew is fervently working towards his goal and I wish I had just a little bit of his enthusiasm. I can’t seem to focus.
     
    Working later than usual on a rainy Friday night, the gallery has been packed with people attending a little cocktail party to view the work of a new artist. A different group from our usual patrons. This artist is young and hip and his street art attracts all kinds of people. Finally everyone has left including the artist himself. The owner and I are the only staff left and he tells me to