Death of a Neighborhood Witch (Jaine Austen Mystery) Read Free Page B

machine.”
    “Right.” I nodded absently, my eyes riveted on the two golden chimichangas, smothered with guacamole and sour cream, that our waiter had just set down before me.
    Kandi eyed them with alarm.
    “Take back those chimichangas!” she cried. “She’ll have a salad instead.”
    “Touch that plate,” I told him, “and you’re a dead man.”
    Sensing I meant business, he skittered off in a flash.
    “Jaine!” Kandi tsked. “How can you possibly eat those fattening chimichangas at a time like this?”
    “Like I always do,” I said, reaching for my fork. “With extra sour cream.”
    And without any further ado, I dug right in.
     
     
     
    YOU’VE GOT MAIL!
     
     
    To: Jausten
From: Shoptillyoudrop
Subject: Halloween Happenings
     
    Hi, sweetheart,
     
    Just got the cutest sweatshirt to wear to the annual Tampa Vistas Halloween party! Bright orange, with a sequined ghost that says, “Got Candy?” Leave it to the Shopping Channel to come up with such a clever idea for only $32.44 plus shipping and handling!
     
    Meanwhile, Daddy’s been glued to the television, watching all those god-awful horror movies they show at this time of the year. I swear, if I hear one more person being hacked to death with a chainsaw, I’m going to throw away the remote.
     
    And you’re not going to believe this, but Daddy’s entering the Halloween Lawn Decorating Contest. Again. You’d think after five consecutive years of losing, he’d give up. But no, Daddy is convinced this year he’s going to win first prize with some lawn ornament he ordered from an infomercial. I just pray it’s not as bad as those dreadful remote-controlled rats he ordered last year. He had the ghastly creatures running up and down our front path for weeks. Practically gave poor Edna Lindstrom next door a heart attack.
     
    Gotta go, honey. The UPS man is here with Daddy’s lawn ornament.
     
    Keep your fingers crossed it’s not too awful.
     
    XOX
Mom
     
     
    To: Jausten
From: Shoptillyoudrop
Subject: The Worst Ever!
     
    I just saw the lawn ornament. It’s Daddy’s worst ever!
     
    Your miserable,
Mom
     
     
    To: Jausten
From: DaddyO
Subject: The Best Ever!
     
    Exciting news, Lambchop! My Halloween lawn ornament just showed up and it’s my best ever! An animated Count Dracula, complete with his own private crypt! Who says you can’t get quality products from Ulan Bator?
     
    I can’t wait to assemble it!
     
    Love ’n’ hugs from,
Daddy
     
     
    To: Jausten
From: Shoptillyoudrop
Subject: Keep Your Fingers Crossed
     
    I do not exaggerate when I say that this year’s Halloween lawn ornament is a new low in bad taste. Not just for Daddy. But possibly for all mankind.
     
    It’s a hideous vampire with fangs like chopsticks and a cheesy black cape that looks like it’s made from Hefty bags. To top it off, it sits up and down in its own life-sized coffin. Oh, dear. Can you imagine? A coffin on our front lawn! Here in a retirement community? What will the neighbors say?
     
    Just keep your fingers crossed that—like nine out of ten idiotic contraptions Daddy orders—he won’t be able to put it together.
     
    Your slightly frantic,
Mom
     
     
    To: Jausten
From: DaddyO
Subject: Fang-Tastic!
     
    You’ll be happy to know I assembled Count Dracula without any problems, Lambchop. Easy-sneezy. He’s out on the lawn right now, and all I can say is, he’s fang-tastic!
     
    Never has Tampa Vistas seen such a display of Halloween artistry. I’m a shoo-in for first prize at the Tampa Vistas Halloween Lawn Decorating Contest.
     
    Love ’n’ hugs from
Your proud,
Daddy

Chapter 3
    N ine out of ten nutritionists say the worst way to start the day is to skip breakfast.
    Nine out of ten nutritionists are wrong.
    The worst way to start the day is to open an e-mail from my parents.
    Although sweetie pies of the highest order, they are inevitably the bearers of distressing news. That is because they are bona fide disaster magnets.