Death by Pantyhose Read Free Page A

mention cholesterol and triglycerides."
     
    "Kandi, I think you're missing the point. The
guy stole my car. The cops said it's probably
gone forever. I'm going to have to fork over
money I don't have for a new one."
    "Twenty years from now when your arteries
are clogged with old steak sandwiches, you
won't care about that silly car. And besides, the
car isn't really a problem. I can give you the
money to get another one."
    Kandi happens to be one of the most generous women in the world. She's always offering
to bail me out of my financial scrapes, but due
to my idiotic pride, I'm always turning her down.
    Of course, Kandi can afford to be generousthanks to her job as a writer on the Saturday
morning cartoon show Beanie & the Cockroach.
Yes, I know it's hard to believe that someone can
make scads of money writing jokes for a household pest, but she does.
    The thing is, I know Kandi would write me a
check in a minute if I asked her, and I'm always
touched by her generosity.
    "I can't let you do that," I said. "But thanks
for offering. And thanks for coming to get me. I
hope I didn't drag you away from an important
script meeting."
    "Actually, I was auditioning actresses."
    "Oh? One of your supporting insects get
sick?"
    "I wasn't auditioning for the show. I'm trying
to find someone to play me."
    "You?"
    "Yes," she said, cutting in front of a BMW. "I got another speeding ticket again. Can you believe that?"
     
    "Of course I can believe it, Kandi. You're a
terrible driver. I've seen crash test dummies
drive better than you."
    "I am not a bad driver!" she protested, giving
the finger to the BMW. "Anyhow, I need somebody to go to traffic school for me."
    "Why can't you go yourself?"
    "I can't. It brings back too many memories."
    "What memories?"
    "Have you forgotten? That's where I met
Steve."
    I'm ashamed to admit I had forgotten. Steve
was Kandi's ex-fiance, a darling guy who she met
in traffic school; they were all set to get married
when he ran off with the wedding planner-another darling guy named Armando.
    "I can't possibly face traffic school again."
    "Can't you take a course online?"
    "Online, in person. It's all the same. Just thinking about those traffic rules makes me weepy.
Steve and I first exchanged glances during a discussion of U-turns," she said, making an illegal
one.
    "You're nuts. If you get caught, you could lose
your license."
    "I won't get caught. I just need to find someone who looks like me and is smart enough to
pass the test."
    By now we'd pulled in to Crazy Dave's Rent-AWreck, which indeed lived up to its name. The
place was wall-to-wall clunkers. I almost expected to see Jed Clampett chugging along in
his Model T.
     
    "You can't possibly be serious about renting a
car here," Kandi said, looking around, aghast.
    "It's not so bad."
    "Are you kidding? It looks like the aftermath
of a demolition derby. C'mon, I'll take you to
Hertz. My treat."
    "I'll be fine," I said, with a confidence I didn't
feel. "I'm sure these cars are perfectly safe."
    I got out of the car and shooed her away.
    "Go on, Kandi. I'm okay."
    She shook her head, exasperated, and drove
off, doing some heavy-duty tsk-tsking.
    Once she was gone, I headed for a small office at the rear of the lot, where I found a bald
butterball of a guy working at a computer, eating a piece of baklava. His scalp shone like a
snow dome under the glare of the fluorescent
lights.
    A matching butterball woman, practically his
twin, sat at a desk next to his, poring over account books with a chewed-up pencil.
    "Er ... Crazy Dave?" I said tentatively.
    "That's me," the man boomed, in a thick
Russian accent. "What can I do for you, lady?"
    I told him I needed to rent a car for fifteen
dollars a day, and much to my relief, he did not
break out into gales of derisive laughter. On the
contrary, he assured me he had the perfect car
for me.
    "Don't worry, lady," he said. "Crazy Dave will
take good care of you."
    I had a