Dead Giveaway Read Free

his plate. “Julie,” he said, as I approached, “sorry for your loss.”
    “Hello Cletus. Car sales been good?”
    He smiled slyly. “Yes, as a matter of fact, they’ve been real good.”
    I studied him suspiciously, letting my eyes roam from his Grecian Formulaenhanced hair right down to the gold nugget pinky ring on his right hand. Money aside, this guy was just the type of slime-ball who would attract Rose. “So, I heard you sold a car to Rose recently.”
    He tilted his head back and chuckled. I could see the gold filling on his back molar. “That’s right. She was an easy sale, too. You know Rose…when she sees something she wants, she just goes for it.”
    “Is that right?”
    He winked. “That’s right, darlin’. That Rose is some sort of woman, know what I mean?”
    Yeah, I knew what he meant. My blood began to boil. How could she? This man was nothing compared to my father. I was going find her and rip her eyes out!
    I turned on my heel and ran smack into Agnes and Marge, who were standing nearby, busily plating up desserts and hanging on my every word with Cletus.
    “Where’s Rose?” I asked through gritted teeth.
    Agnes hesitated, dangling a large serrated knife over a three-layer red velvet cake that she was preparing to cut. “I think she said that she was heading for the ladies room to touch up her makeup.” She glanced at Marge who was standing nearby, with a ready plate in hand. “Isn’t that what she said, Marge?”
    I didn’t wait for Marge’s reply. Instead, I snatched up the cake and headed toward the restrooms. Touch up? I’d give her a touch up.
    I stormed down the hallway that led to the restrooms. Cake in hand, I burst into the bathroom. Rose wasn’t there. I even glanced under all the stall doors. No Rose.
    I walked back out to the hallway. That’s when I heard the noise—a sort of soft grunting sound. I crept silently along the hall, cake in hand, following my ears all the way to the rectory office.
    The door was slightly ajar. Curious, I pushed it all the way open and stepped inside.
    There, I happened upon the most repugnant sight—Rose and Mystery Man, doing the wild thing on top of Fr. O’Neil’s desk.
    The door shut behind me with a click and they jumped apart. That’s when I noticed that Mystery Man wasn’t so mysterious—he was none other than Sheriff Maddox himself.
    Shocked, I tossed the cake. It landed in front of Rose with a thud, a few bits of reddish goo splattering on her naked torso.
    There was an awkward silence that hung in the air like bad body odor in a packed elevator as we all stood motionless, wide-eyed and slack-jawed.
    I, for one, couldn’t help but stare…Sheriff Maddox was so hairy. And Rose with her disheveled red hair, smeared lipstick, and cake splattered body…well, the whole scene felt like a low-budget documentary—something like the mating habits of Bozo the Clown and Sasquatch. I shivered with disgust.
    Or, was that fear? For at that moment it all became clear. Sheriff Maddox, the one person who I thought I could trust, was in cahoots with Rose, my psycho-bitch stepmother. And that could only mean one thing…they knew that I knew…and now I was in serious danger.
    I let my eyes slide over to the corner of the room where the Sheriff’s pants laid in a heap, his gun belt on top. I made a mad dash for it.
    Sheriff Maddox must have had the same thought, because before I knew it I was clamoring on the ground with Mr. Hairy, trying to get to his gun holster. I was losing the match, too, but it didn’t matter as we both stopped short when we noticed Rose hovering above, holding the gun.
    “Don’t move,” she ordered.
    I obeyed.
    “That a girl, Rose,” Maddox said with a nervous little chuckle. Then, flashing me the furriest moon I had ever seen, he bent down to retrieve his pants. After pulling them into position, he reached toward Rose.
    “Now, give me the gun, Rose. I’ll take care of this.”
    “No you won’t, Wade.