Dave Trellis and the Allotments of Doom Read Free Page B

pushed
Fergus back into the chair.
    Standing in the
courtyard was a vast, demonic creature with two horns ending six
feet above its head and green eyes like old glass. It towered over
the well and made the courtyard look like a paddling pool. The
creature’s skin had a smooth metallic sheen. Heat waves danced
above it and there was a smell of burnt wood.
    The huge head
turned one way, then the other and back to the group on the top
terrace. It carried a box as big as a steamer trunk in one hand. In
the other hand was a flag. A white flag.
    Nobody
moved…
    The creature
bowed slightly, held up the white flag for a moment, and then
planted it in the courtyard. There was a sharp crack as a flagstone
broke and the flag stood upright, moving slightly in the
breeze.
    The creature
bowed again and looked at Dave.
    Dave lifted his
hand and beckoned. The creature stepped onto the lower terrace,
avoiding the ramshackle sheds. Footprints burned into the earth and
the air shimmered around it.
    The creature
stopped in front of the top terrace, set the box down on the lawn
and stepped back. The box opened and the sound of a full orchestra
and choir singing ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ rang out across the
allotments.
    Dave shot up,
stood to attention, and dragged Fergus to his feet. Dave started
singing and nudged Fergus until he joined in. The Palaver sang too;
word perfect and with emotion.
    When the anthem
finished, Dave sat down and pulled Fergus with him. There was an
embarrassing pause while Dave tried to signal Enoch with eyebrows
and small nods of the head.
    ‘Oi Enoch!’
shouted Dave.
    Enoch looked
over, leaned forward a little, and pointed at himself.
    ‘Yes you, you
clod. Perhaps you might want and go and look what’s in the box,
being that you are in charge of the ceremonial guard and all.’
    Enoch gave a
little nod and marched smartly to the centre, turned and marched
right up to the box. He looked in, turned his head round, and with
a surprised expression, nodded back towards the box.
    ‘Get on with
it,’ said Dave and made little shooing gestures. He muttered under
his breath, ‘Couldn’t organise a blow job in a brothel.’
    Enoch took some
things out of the box, performed a smart about turn, and marched
back. Enoch presented the first item, a case of Irish whiskey. Dave
nodded and Enoch placed it next to Dave’s seat. The next item was a
box of cigars. Dave placed them on top of the whiskey and took the
last item.
    ‘Bloody hell,’
said Dave.
    Fergus peered
at a plain looking book in Dave’s hand, its title ‘One Life, One
Woman, One Shed’ by Dave Trellis.
    Dave looked up
at the huge creature, still smouldering on the terrace below and
mimed writing with his hand. The vast head dipped in a small
bow.
    Dave reached
into his top pocket drew out a battered biro, turned to the fly
leaf and wrote the legend, ‘Best wishes’. He signed it with a
flourish and handed the book and the pen to Enoch, who marched back
and placed them in the box.
    Enoch stepped
clear and the box closed. The creature reached down with one vast
hand and picked up the box. It raised its other hand, gave a small
wave, and stepped back down into the central courtyard.
    There was a
sharp crack, Fergus felt like someone patted him on the back of
head, and the creature disappeared. The bright spring day returned
and the allotments seemed larger without the vast creature standing
there. Fergus noticed the birds singing, smelt the grass and
compost perfume, and enjoyed the quiet. He had little choice; he
was completely unable to move.
     
     
    ‘Well that was
a turnout,’ said Dave, breaking the silence.
    ‘What?’ said
Fergus, ‘That we all survived?’ His voice cracked a bit.
    ‘No lad, my
first book signing. So nice to meet a fan, in its case a huge fan,’
Dave chuckled and lifted up a bottle. ‘Bloody good Irish Whiskey
and some top class cigars to match. Good job big fella.’
    ‘Was… Was that
real? I mean, did that actually