Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need Read Free Page A

bedrooms, but we’re not sure we’d be safe
there
.
    Not that I feel superior to the Alamos. I’ve rented many cars myself, and I have to admit that as soon as I get behind the wheel, I go into Bozo Mode. For one thing, I am instantly lost, and the only guidance I have is the rental-car-agency map, the sole function of which apparently is to show you the location of the rental-car agency. So I’m disoriented, plus I’m constantly trying to adjust the mirrors, seat, air-conditioning, steering wheel, etc., plus—this is the most important part—I have to find a good radio station. This means I am devoting only about 2 percent of my brain to actually driving the car. And thus I—a person who tends to be
extremely
critical of other people’s driving—am transformed into an Alamo, drifting along at 27 miles per hour in the left lane of the interstate, with my left blinker on, trying to locate the FM button. Maybe, as a warning to other drivers, the federal government should require that all rental cars must have giant orange question marks sticking up out of the their roofs.
CHOOSING A CAR-RENTAL COMPANY
    The car-rental industry is extremely competitive, and often you can find some really good“deals” by keeping your eyes “peeled” for advertisements that look like this:
    Why Pay More? Rent a Car for Just $3.99 a Week!! Including Unlimited Mileage!!
    Big Bob’s Car Rental & Miniature Golf & Full-Body Massage
    Certain restrictions apply to this offer, such as to get the actual car you have to ride our “Courtesy Van,” which runs only during Lent, from the airport to our rental facility, which is in the Soviet Union, where you will have to wait in line behind people who have been there since the Ford administration because our rental fleet consists of a 1971 Plymouth Valiant with a tendency to catch fire, so we
definitely
recommend the insurance.
    As a “smart shopper,” you will definitely save “big money” by taking advantage of bargains such as these, although you should of course insist that the agency person explain the terms of the rental agreement before you sign it:
    YOU : What does this mean?
    AGENCY PERSON : What does what mean?
    YOU : This part here, where it says, “Renter agrees that we get to keep his house.”
    AGENCY PERSON : Oh,
that
. Nothing.
    YOU
(relieved):
Whew.
TYPES OF LUGGAGE
    The type of luggage you carry says a lot about you. For example, if you’re carrying somebody
else’s
luggage, it says you’re a thief.
    No, seriously, luggage is important, which is why most frequent travelers spend their entire lives looking for Exactly the Right Piece of Luggage, the one that is nice and compact but holds a lot of stuff. This is a waste of time, of course, because the truth is that a piece of luggage is nothing but a bag or a box with a handle on it, and under the laws of physics, which are strictly enforced in luggage, the size of the bag or the box determines how much it will hold, as can be seen in the following chart:
SIZE OF LUGGAGE UNIT
AMOUNT OF STUFF LUGGAGE UNIT WILL HOLD
Small
Small amount
Medium
Medium amount
Large
Large amount 9
    The infrequent traveler generally accepts these limitations and purchases one of those enormous, hard-sided suitcases that have wheels andweigh about 87 pounds even when they’re empty. But your frequent traveler never abandons the quest to find a miracle luggage unit that can hold more than it can actually hold. Over the course of a lifetime the frequent traveler will purchase dozens of luggage units, frequently from advertisements in airline in-flight magazines. You’ve probably seen the advertisements. There’s a picture of what appears to be an ordinary carry-on suitcase, underneath which are about 70,000 words, which begin:
AMAZING LUGGAGE BREAKTHROUGH!
    A recent scientific discovery by researchers at the Stanford University School of Luggage Science has made possible the REVOLUTIONARY new Laser 3000X Total Carry-on Wardrobe Unit! Although