Dave Barry's Homes and Other Black Holes Read Free

you and your spouse will be able to have useful decision-making conversations like this:
    YOU : I kind of liked that contemporary with the fireplace in the kitchen.
    YOUR SPOUSE : No, the contemporary had fire
damage
in the kitchen. You’re thinking of the split-level, the one where the garage floor had a Rust-Oleum stain shaped like the Virgin Mary.
    YOU : No, that was the colonial, remember? With big white pillars out front and no toilets?
    YOUR SPOUSE : No, you’re thinking of Monticello. Remember? We went there on vacation in 1979?
    YOU : No, it was 1978.
    Using this logical elimination process, you’ll begin to narrow your list down to thethree or four dozen houses that you are truly interested in. These are the ones you should go back and inspect in a thorough manner, using this convenient checklist:
HOME INSPECTION CHECKLIST
The Roof
    This is a “must.” There is an old German expression that goes: “A house without a roof is like a machterstrassefurtermorgennachtdankeschoen without a gutsprechenbuchlungwiegehtvolkswagenporsche.” If anything, this is an understatement. So the first thing you should do is go up and crouch in the attic and see if you get bit by a bat. This is usually an indication that the house contains bats, which, depending on your lifestyle, could be a negative factor, especially if one tries to suck out your blood, because that means it’s a vampire bat, which means the house is located in South America, so right away we are talking about probably a fairly long commute to work.
    Also while you’re up there you should look around and see if you notice any of the following important house parts:

    You will recognize these objects instantly, because most of them are pieces of wood. Make a note of them.
The Floors
    These should be sturdy and level. The only proven way to check for sturdiness is to drop a men’s standard sixteen-pound bowling ball (Always carry one with you!) onto the floor from a height of seventy-five feet through a hole drilled in the roof, then carefully note the results. (No, the seller will not object, unless he has “something to hide.”)
    To check for levelness, you will need a standard piece of string and a standard rock. Using a standard knot, tie one end of the string, then, holding the other end of the string, stand in the middle of a room, and carefully note which way the rock points. Ideally, it will point toward the floor. If it points somewhere else, such as toward a wall, this is often an indication of nonlevelness (SEE DIAGRAM).
The Plumbing
    Forget about the plumbing. It will work perfectly. It always does, when you inspect it, because plumbing is one of the most intelligentlife forms on the planet, and it would never be so foolish as to tip its hand to you. It will wait until
after
you have bought thehouse. Then it will make its move. Late some night, you’ll hear strange gurglings and sloshings in your pipes; this will be the sound of your toilets communicating with each other, making their plans:

    FIRST TOILET : It’s on. Tomorrow is New Year’s Day, they have house guests, it’s four degrees below zero outside, and their plumber is in Switzerland. We break tonight.
    SECOND TOILET : Ha ha! I’ll tell the hot water heater.
The Electrical System
    The most important thing to find out about the electrical system is whether it contains enough “volts,” which are little tiny pieces of energy shaped like arrows so you can tell which direction they’re moving in science class diagrams, as shown on.
    The standard measurement for volts is “amps,” also called “watts,” which travel around in what is called a “circuit.” A typical circuit works as follows:
    At the electrical company, fuel oil is burned to set fire to a generator, which gives off electrical energy in the form of sparks, which are put into wires and sent to your home, where the electricity waits in the wall until you turn on your toaster, at which point it rushes through the wire