Dave Barry's Guide to Marriage And/or Sex Read Free

ancient times, as is shown by the biblical quotation: “And Balzubio DID taketh Parasheeba to a restaurant, and they DID eateth potato skins.” The next recorded date was between Romeo and Juliet, a young Italian couple who went out despite their parents’ objections, and just about everybody involved ended up either stabbed or poisoned.
    After this tragedy, there was very little dating for several centuries. During this time, marriages were arranged by the parents, based on such things as how much cattle the bride and the groom would each bring to the union. Often the young couple wouldn’t even meet until the wedding, and sometimes they were not strongly attracted to each other. Sometimes, quite frankly, they preferred the cattle. So now we feel that dating is probably a better system.

Who Should Ask Whom for the Date
    As we noted earlier, these are free and liberated and nonstereotypical times we live in, by which I mean it is the responsibility of the man to ask for the date, and the responsibility of the woman to think up excuses that get progressively more obvious until the man figures out that the woman would rather chew on a rat pancreas.

Four Fun Things to Do on a Date
    1. Go to a restaurant and have something to eat.
    2. Go to a restaurant and have a completely different thing to eat.
    3. Go to a completely different restaurant.
    4. Go to visit interesting places such as New York and Europe and see if they have any restaurants.

Things You Can Talk About on a Date
    1. Your various entrees.

Falling in Love
    When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in love. You can tell you’re in love by the way you feel: your head becomes light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you’re walking on air, and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it’s always a good idea to check with your doctor.
    But if it turns out to be love, it’s time to think about taking the next major step in a relationship: French-kissing.
    Ha ha! just kidding. The next major step is to live in Sin, which we will cover in the next chapter. Of course if you belong to a religious sect that believes that a couple should get married first, you should skip the next chapter and go straight to the one about sex, unless it is a very strict religious sect, in which case you should burn this book immediately.

Chapter2. Living In Sin

    For many years, it was generally considered to be wrong to live in Sin. Now, however, thanks to the Sexual Revolution (May 6, 1967), living together is considered a normal and in fact very useful phase in a relationship, a phase that is accepted and even endorsed by virtually all sectors of society except of course your parents. Your parents hate it. it doesn’t matter how nice or respectable the person is you’re living with. You could be living with Abraham Lincoln, and your parents would still hate it. Especially if you are a guy.
    But, hey, it’s your life to live, and if you really want to move in with somebody, your feelings have to take precedence over your parents’. The best thing to do is confront their concerns head-on, by sitting down with them, face to face, and lying.
    “Mom and Dad,” you should say, “Bill and I are not living together. He came over to my apartment this morning to help me kill a spider and by mistake he left his toothbrush and all his clothes and furniture.”
    Your parents will pretend they believe you, because the truth is they really don’t want to even think about the idea of you and S-E-X. All parents are like this. No matter how old you get, in their minds you will always have the wisdom and emotional maturity of Beaver Cleaver.

Moving in Together
    Moving in together is an exciting and romantic adventure for both of you, a time of caring and sharing the joys of little discoveries such as what another person’s used dental floss looks like. But