green plastic vest (the vest has a device that vibrates when somebody shoots you). Then we were led to a big, dark, semi-spooky room with artificial smoke drifting around and a big maze in the middle, full of nooks and crannies where a person could skulk. The two teams went to opposite ends of the room. Then a voice on the loudspeaker said “5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 …” and suddenly the room was filled with extremely loud pulsating music apparently created by musicians beating their amplifiers to death with rocks.
I am not a violent person. I am a product of the Flower Power sixties. I have actually worn bell-bottomed jeans and stood in a mass of hundreds of people, swaying back and forth, singing, ‘Everybody get together, try to love one another right now,’ having vivid visions of World Peace. (Granted, some of us were also having vivid visions of giant red frogs hopping across the sky, but that’s another issue.) I haven’t been in a fight since seventh grade and have never owned a gun.
But when the laser-tag game started, a primeval reptile instinct took over my brain, turning me instantly into The Avenging Death Killer of Doom. I made Rambo look like Mister Rogers. I was a wild man—darting through the dark maze, ducking around corners, making totally unintelligible combat-style hand signals to my teammates. At one point, I swear, I signaled to my son, and, without a trace of irony, yelled “Cover me!” My nervous system was on Maximum Overload Red Alert, because I knew that somewhereout there, in that smoky gloom, was The Enemy, and I had to hunt him down without pity, because he was a merciless killer who would not hesitate to …
BZZZZZZZZZZ
NO! My vibrator is vibrating! I’ve been SHOT! The Enemy is even more deadly than I thought! He is vicious! He is brutal! He is …
He is a woman wearing high heels
.
At least she didn’t hit me with her purse.
I also got nailed repeatedly by the munchkins. The Avenging Death Killer of Doom spent a lot of time skittering back to the Re-Energizer, trailed by a persistent seven-year-old with excellent aim who was making The Avenging Death Killer of Doom’s vest vibrate like a defective alarm clock.
But I also scored a few hits myself, and at one point—I want this in my obituary—I deactivated the Enemy Base. Overall I found the experience to be far more entertaining than anything currently being funded by the National Endowment for the Arts. And to those of you who feel that this kind of game is bad because it might encourage aggressive behavior in a society that is already far too violent, let me say that, while I understand your point, I also feel that this type of “play-acting” activity can provide a harmless release for aggressiveness and actually
reduce
violence. So shut up or I’ll kill you.
LOSING FACE
Today’s Topic Is: Living Smart
W hat do I mean by “Living Smart”? Let’s look at a simple example:
Suppose that two people—call them Person A and Person B—are late for appointments in New York City and need to cross the street. Person A rushes into the street without looking; he is instantly struck by a taxi going 146 miles per hour (this taxi has engine trouble; otherwise it would be going much faster). But Person B—even though he’s in an equally big hurry—pauses on the sidewalk and looks both ways. While doing this, he is severely beaten by muggers.
So we see that the choices we make affect the quality of our lives, and we must always try to make the smartest choice, which in this case would be the one made by Person C, who decided to skip his appointment and remain in his hotel room watching the movie
Laundromat Lust
.
I’ll give you another example of “living smart,” from my own personal life. On a recent Friday night, my son, Rob, and I were in Miami, playing laser tag, a game wherein you skulk around in a darkened maze, wearing a special electronicvest attached to a laser gun. The object is to shoot your opponent
I am not a violent person. I am a product of the Flower Power sixties. I have actually worn bell-bottomed jeans and stood in a mass of hundreds of people, swaying back and forth, singing, ‘Everybody get together, try to love one another right now,’ having vivid visions of World Peace. (Granted, some of us were also having vivid visions of giant red frogs hopping across the sky, but that’s another issue.) I haven’t been in a fight since seventh grade and have never owned a gun.
But when the laser-tag game started, a primeval reptile instinct took over my brain, turning me instantly into The Avenging Death Killer of Doom. I made Rambo look like Mister Rogers. I was a wild man—darting through the dark maze, ducking around corners, making totally unintelligible combat-style hand signals to my teammates. At one point, I swear, I signaled to my son, and, without a trace of irony, yelled “Cover me!” My nervous system was on Maximum Overload Red Alert, because I knew that somewhereout there, in that smoky gloom, was The Enemy, and I had to hunt him down without pity, because he was a merciless killer who would not hesitate to …
BZZZZZZZZZZ
NO! My vibrator is vibrating! I’ve been SHOT! The Enemy is even more deadly than I thought! He is vicious! He is brutal! He is …
He is a woman wearing high heels
.
At least she didn’t hit me with her purse.
I also got nailed repeatedly by the munchkins. The Avenging Death Killer of Doom spent a lot of time skittering back to the Re-Energizer, trailed by a persistent seven-year-old with excellent aim who was making The Avenging Death Killer of Doom’s vest vibrate like a defective alarm clock.
But I also scored a few hits myself, and at one point—I want this in my obituary—I deactivated the Enemy Base. Overall I found the experience to be far more entertaining than anything currently being funded by the National Endowment for the Arts. And to those of you who feel that this kind of game is bad because it might encourage aggressive behavior in a society that is already far too violent, let me say that, while I understand your point, I also feel that this type of “play-acting” activity can provide a harmless release for aggressiveness and actually
reduce
violence. So shut up or I’ll kill you.
LOSING FACE
Today’s Topic Is: Living Smart
W hat do I mean by “Living Smart”? Let’s look at a simple example:
Suppose that two people—call them Person A and Person B—are late for appointments in New York City and need to cross the street. Person A rushes into the street without looking; he is instantly struck by a taxi going 146 miles per hour (this taxi has engine trouble; otherwise it would be going much faster). But Person B—even though he’s in an equally big hurry—pauses on the sidewalk and looks both ways. While doing this, he is severely beaten by muggers.
So we see that the choices we make affect the quality of our lives, and we must always try to make the smartest choice, which in this case would be the one made by Person C, who decided to skip his appointment and remain in his hotel room watching the movie
Laundromat Lust
.
I’ll give you another example of “living smart,” from my own personal life. On a recent Friday night, my son, Rob, and I were in Miami, playing laser tag, a game wherein you skulk around in a darkened maze, wearing a special electronicvest attached to a laser gun. The object is to shoot your opponent
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