Croissants and Jam Read Free

really, as all I pull out is one grubby ear plug. I exhale loudly, but there is no response from the assistant. Right, if she is really going to persist then there is nothing else for it. I clear the counter and begin emptying my handbag. The assistant sighs heavily.
        ‘Right,’ I declare, ‘one mobile phone, one diary, one purse.’ I fumble in the purse but alas, no boarding pass.
        ‘What’s that?’ she shouts excitedly, pointing to a scrap of paper.
        ‘Ah, my to-do list,’ I cry triumphantly. ‘Now, where is the other to-do list that had ‘find to-do list’ on it? I lost the original you see,’ I explain, trying to ignore her bored expression. I am now a force to be reckoned with. I pull out a pack of contraceptive pills, a solitary tampon and, with a grimace, a bottle of black nail polish.
        ‘Yuk. I thought I had thrown that away. Do you want it?’ I offer.
    She shakes her head.
        ‘I only bought it for Halloween,’ I explain to the man waiting behind me who yawns in response and averts his eyes.
        ‘Do you have the boarding pass?’ the assistant asks irritably.
    A stupid question really as obviously I don’t. I give an apologetic look and shake my head as I slap more things on the counter. My hands touch on something hard and, with a sinking heart I pull out a Lovefilm DVD.
        ‘Bother. I should have posted that. Is there a post-box near here?’
    She yawns and shakes her head. A family size bar of Cadbury’s Fruit and Nut follows the DVD.
        ‘For a big night in,’ I joke.
    I pull out a pair of knickers and cringe.
        ‘Not part of the big night in,’ I snort. ‘I assure you, they are clean.’ I laugh, but she doesn’t. I find a scribbled note which I struggle to decipher, then a tangerine, followed by a much bruised apple.
        ‘Useful,’ I mumble.
    I look at the cashier’s miserable face.
        ‘You still need it do you?’ I ask politely.
        ‘I’m afraid so,’ she replies through gritted teeth.
        ‘Doesn’t she have it Jade?’ calls her colleague from the other till.
    I drop a handful of coins, a pair of Christian Dior sunglasses, and a spoon onto the counter.
        ‘For my yogurt,’ I mumble. ‘No boarding pass. Make-up bag, bag within a bag, tissues, ah… what is this, bag with bills inside, I bet I put it in there.’
        ‘My God, I can’t imagine what is in your main luggage,’ utters the man behind me.
        ‘I am prepared for everything,’ I retort, placing my Rescue Remedy and my Along the Road Less Travelled book onto the ever-increasing pile.
        ‘Yes, except to pay for duty-free.’
    Really, some people are so rude. I continue emptying the bag until I finally pull out a mouldy packet of mints which are stuck to the elusive boarding pass.
        ‘You can’t take those on the flight,’ Jade says firmly. I look at the packet of mints wondering why not, but as I follow the cashier’s eyes I realise she is referring to a bottle of Clarins perfume and a jar of Jo Malone face cream.
    ‘I’ve already been through security,’ I reply, pushing my credit card at her again while trying to separate the mints from the boarding pass.
        ‘No, you can make a bomb with those,’ she replies indignantly, tossing back her thick mane of blonde hair and licking her pink lips.
    I burst out laughing. If I were chemically minded I would be more inclined to make a Botox mix as opposed to a Semtex one. Besides, do I look like a terrorist? Do I have a beard for Christ’s sake?
        ‘Is this a joke?’
        ‘Not to mention the spoon,’ quips the man behind me.
    The assistant eyes me up and down, and looks over to her colleague.
        ‘Tracey, how many mills can you take on a flight? She has enough here to make a bomb.’
    Christ, did she have to say it so loudly. Everyone turns to look at the potential terrorist. Tracey looks in horror at my perfume bottle.