Crampton Read Free Page B

unannounced appearance on our home turf, you've gotta bring a stranger with you?
    BRADY
    We're investigating a case that touches upon your area of expertise.
    BIG SNITCH
    Oh yeah? Whoever got dipped deserved it. Fool and his money and all that.
    BRADY
    Not a con--a murder.
    BIG SNITCH
    Hey ... this is that thing that happened at FBI headquarters this morning, isn't it?
    HELEN
    How did you hear about that? There hasn't been an official press release yet.
    The little snitch is about to reply, hut the big snitch puts his hand up to stop him.
    BIG SNITCH
    Hey! Dummy up!
    (to HELEN)
    Well, lady, When you belong to the social circle that we do, you find that information can be a valuable asset. Setting that information in advance of your competition is the name of the game. Even a matter of a few hours can make the difference between first place and second place. And in this business, there is no prize for second place.
    Brady takes a second to process this line of bullshit.
    BRADY
    You got it off the Internet.
    BIG SNITCH
    The point is that we already got the skinny on this. Some kind of terrorist thing. Not exactly our area of expertise.
    BRADY
    This particular shooter, terrorist, whatever ... he pulled a fancy disappearing act on us.
    The snitches are suddenly very interested.
    BIG SNITCH
    Ahhh. Now this little visit is beginning to make sense. So, how did he do it? Was there an obvious escape route? You know, trapdoor, ceiling tile, what have you? Did he use flash powder? Smoke bomb?
    Helen gives Brady a "what the fuck?" look.
    BRADY
    (to HELEN)
    Before they turned to the dark side, our friends here were pretty decent magicians.
    (to SNITCHES)
    You ought to think about going back to your legitimate profession.
    BIG SNITCH
    Are you kidding? So back to playing cups-and-balls for a bunch of gape-mouthed tourists? Fuck that. There's no pride in that gig--and more importantly, no money .
    BRADY
    What about David Copperfield? That guy's loaded.
    BIG SNITCH
    (getting pissed)
    You always bring up David Copperfield, like you've got some kind of a hard-on for the guy. He's a hack! We were ten times the magicians that guy is! Here ...
    The snitches grab a salt shaker, a pepper shaker, and a bottle of ketchup and arrange them on the table.
    BIG SNITCH
    ... want to know how he made the Statue of Liberty disappear? Say you're the salt, the camera is the pepper, and the ketchup is the Statue of Liberty--
    HELEN
    Can we get back to the shooter?
    The snitches reluctantly replace the condiments.
    BIG SNITCH
    Right. So, what was his gimmick?
    BRADY
    No idea. One second he's there, the next he's all over the place, just a bunch of parts.
    BIG SNITCH
    All over the place--what does that mean?
    Brady and Helen look at each other, silently deciding how much they want to tell these con men. They come to a conclusion.
    HELEN
    He made it appear that he turned into a mannequin in the middle of a room full of armed FBI agents.
    The snitches exchange ominous looks. The little snitch cups his hands over his ears like he doesn't want to hear any more.
    BIG SNITCH
    Sorry. Can't help you.
    BRADY
    No help, no money.
    BIG SNITCH
    No amount of money is worth it, my friend.
    The two snitches slide out of the booth and stand.
    BRADY
    Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell is this? I can't believe you're playing us.
    BIG SNITCH
    (leaning close to BRADY)
    You have no idea what it means to be played. Now, if you'll excuse us, we're late for a poker game.
    They turn to leave.
    BRADY
    Oh, come on! You can't leave me with nothing!
    The snitches pause. The big snitch turns around.
    BIG SNITCH
    This agent who got killed--you say he was shot?
    HELEN
    That's right.
    BIG SNITCH
    Check again.
    They join the dark-haired man and the blond woman at the bar, then go through the door to the back room.
    CUT TO:
    INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS
    Brady and Helen walking down a hallway, in a hurry.
    HELEN
    We're going to be late.
    BRADY
    I know.
    Ahead, the door to the briefing room opens and a bunch of