Cover Your Eyes Read Free

almost nine.’
    ‘Time flies when you’re having fun, didn’t you know?’ Felix replied but added, ‘Yes, you go on now, Megan. It is a bit late and I want you to be fresh tomorrow.’
    ‘I’ll give you a lift home, Megan,’ Simon said. That was the beginning. When we got to my flat he asked, ‘You going to be okay, Megan? Got any food in?’
    ‘Oh, yes, I’ve always got something,’ I said. I fumbled about in my bag for the key. ‘I’ll make some pasta. Like some? ‘
    We didn’t get to the pasta. Before I could turn the light on, he took hold of me gently by the shoulders and turned me towards him. Without saying a word, he kissed me and my legs almost gave way. I clung to him in the dark, and felt something inside me falling. The door to the bedroom was open. He took my hand and led me there. We held one another and I was trembling. We didn’t say a single word while he undressed me, and as he made love to me for the first time I thought ridiculously that this must be what dying was like. I could hear us crying out together and he was kissing me, and the warm glow from my bedside lamp fell on us both. I had no idea of how much time had gone by. I think we must have fallen asleep. It was after midnight when we woke up.
    Almost as soon as he’d left, the guilt arrived, so strongly that I could almost see it: a kind of thickening of the air, filling my nostrils, misting my eyes. I didn’t know how to deal with it. I felt bad, imagining him going home, putting myself in the place of the immaculate Gail, whose photo I knew so well because it was there on his desk at the office. I was desperate to tell Jay what had happened but I stopped myself that night. Later on, after one particular evening when the guilt was weighing me down worse than ever, I emailed her and told her everything. She answered in a way that was typical of her.
    FROM : [email protected]
    TO : [email protected]
    Subject: HMMM!
    Well. Can you hear me taking a deep breath? That’s cos of not wanting to say the wrong thing. I’m happy for you and worried for you at the same time. Make any sense? Not much help I know but I’ll Skype you later and hold your virtual hand, kid. Chin up, eyes front. That sort of thing. Chat to you later. xx
    She did, too. We spent hours on Skype, and she made me feel better. I thought I detected some disapproval but she denied it. Said it was just that a married man wasn’t what she’d hope for me in an ideal world, but she could see how far gone I was. I knew she’d be on my side whatever happened, and she has been.
    Simon and I quickly fell into a routine. On days when I knew he was coming round, I’d leave the office a bit early, then he’d get to mine about six. He’d go at eight or thereabouts and my whole life shrank into those two hours we had together. We made love, over and over again, and the more we did, the more we couldn’t stop. The more I loved him. The more I wanted him to leave his wife and marry me. Live with me for ever.
    The time we’ve been together, I’ve been happier than at any other time in my life. I feel bad admitting this. I should have gone on feeling guilty. But the truth was: I’d got good at managing the guilt. Other things mattered more to me. My own feelings. What Simon told me. I knew that what I was doing was wrong. There was nothing I wanted more than to be with Simon, so I perfected a sort of conjuring trick. I made his wife disappear: from my thoughts, from my dreams, from every part of my life and naturally, as his wife vanished, so did my guilt. I loved being in the office and knowing that only he and I knew our secret. I loved the hours and hours of sitting in meetings thinking about the last time we’d been together, and the time before that and dreaming about the next time and the time after that and what he’d said and what he’d do when we were alone later on until my face burned with the heat generated by what I was remembering and every single nerve end