Carthage Read Free Page A

is a terrible thing how swiftly a man’s strength can drain from him, like his pride.
    These were young volunteers, Zeno didn’t know their names. But they knew his name: “Mr. Mayfield . . . ”
    He pushed their hands from him. He was upright, and he was breathing normally again, or—almost.
    Would’ve insisted upon returning to the search after a few minutes’ rest, lukewarm water out of the Evian bottle and a nervous splattering urination behind a lichen-pocked boulder but blackness rose inside his skull another time, to his shame he sighed and sank into it.
     
    GOD TAKE ME instead of her. If you take anyone—take me.

TWO
    Bride-to-Be
    July 4, 2005
    Y ES YOU KNOW. Know that I do. Of course—you know me.
    How could you doubt me.
     
    IT IS A SHOCK —of course. We are all—we are all very—sad . . .
    No! Sad is what I said. We are all—everyone who loves you—and me—especially. We are sad.
     
    NO, WAIT. We are very happy that you are alive, Brett, and returned to us of course.
    We are not sad about that, we are very happy about that.
    All those months we prayed. Prayed and prayed.
    And now, you are returned home to us.
    And now, you are returned to us.
     
    I KNEW YOU would return of course—I never doubted.
    Even when we were out of contact—when you were in combat —I did not doubt.
    In that terrible place—how do you pronounce it—“Diyala” . . .
     
    PLEASE BELIEVE ME, darling: I love you like always.
    That is why I wanted us to be engaged before you left—in case there was something that happened . . . over there.
    But you know me, I am . . . I am your girl.
    I am your fiancée . Your bride-to-be.
    That will not change.
     
    EXCEPT NOW: there is so much for us to plan!
    Makes my head swim so much to plan . . .
    Your mother promised to help but now . . .
    . . . (should not have said promised . I did not mean promised. )
    But, before this, before—this . . . The surgeries, and the recovery and rehab. Before this, your mother was excited about planning the wedding, with my mother, and grandmother, and we were planning the wedding to take place as soon as you were . . .
    Well yes: there is a before, and there is now.
     
    OH IS IT WRONG to say before ? And— now ?
    Brett why do you look at me like that . . .
    Why are you angry at me . . .
    Why do you seem to hate me . . .
    . . . look at me like I am a stranger. And you are a stranger to me and I—I am frightened of you at such times.
     
    BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, Brett. I love you.
    I love you and so sometimes this other—it’s like this other —is staring at me out of your eyes . . .
    It is very frightening to me. For I don’t know what I can do, to placate this other .
     
    I PLEDGE TO YOU to be your loving wife forever & ever Amen.
    I pledge to you as to Jesus our Savior forever & ever Amen.
    I am not ashamed of loving you. Of being with you as we did . . .
    I would not have been ashamed if I had been pregnant (as I had worried I might be, as you know) and I think now (almost) that I am sorry that I was not.
    (Are you sorry?)
    (It would be so different now!)
    I feel that I am already your wife. But I feel sometimes that you are not my husband—exactly.
    I feel that there is Brett my darling, and there is— this other .
    Sometimes.
     
    HERE IS THE bridal gown design.
    It’s so lovely—isn’t it? Do you like it?
    Please tell me yes . I am so eager to hear yes.
    I know it doesn’t interest you—much. Of course . . .
    Some dresses are very expensive. This is a bargain, we found online—“Bonnie Bell Designs.”
    And so beautiful, I think.
    Ivory silk. Ivory lace. One-shoulder neckline with a sheer lace back. The pleated bodice is “fitted” and the skirt “flared.”
    The veil is gossamer chiffon. The train is three feet long.
    And these are the shoes: ivory satin pumps.
    Let me hold the picture to the light, maybe you can see better . . .
    Do you think that I will look . . . pretty . . . in