Book of Jim: Agnostic Parables and Dick Jokes From Lucifer's Paradise Read Free

and he discovered that imagining was other than performing.
    For she was virgin, and he was big and hairy.
    He said to the virgin, “I don’t want you to get me wrong, cause you’re gorgeous, but I’m feeling kind of weird about this.  I mean, are you sure you want to get savaged?  By me?”
    “Are you a lumberjack?” the virgin said.
    “A lumberjack?  Well, not really.  I did some tree trimming for a while.”
    The virgin quivered, and she touched herself with force .  “Savage me,” she said.
    So Jim climbed into the bed with the virgin.  With his big hands he pushed her small shoulders into the mattress.
    She was a terrible kisser, for her tongue was eager and unpracticed.  It was therefore that he ceased to kiss her mouth and took his lips to her pussy.
    And it was a terrible pussy, for it was unwashed and hairy and the odor was acrid.  It was therefore that he ceased to kiss her pussy and formed with his lips a question.
    “How did you die?”
    The virgin said, “It doesn’t matter.  Please just put that lumberjack dick inside of me.”
    “I think I have to know.”
    “Fine.  It was leukemia.  I had leukemia for a long time and it sucked and I never got to have any fun and then I died.  Now put your dick in me.”
    “Oh man,” Jim said.  “You’re a kid with cancer?  I don’t think I should be doing this.”
    “Just give me your dick!  I just want your big hairy lumberjack dick!”
    But Jim didn’t give the virgin his dick.  He stood from the bed and walked to the door.  “I’ll have them send a real lumberjack,” he said.  And he went through the door and back into hallway of the ship that was called Orgy.
    4
    Jim wandered through the halls of the ship that was called Orgy for twelve days.  He searched for the bald bespectacled man who carried kind eyes and a clipboard, and who was kind, because he wanted to make sure that the virgin received her lumberjack.  But he couldn’t find the bald bespectacled man, nor anybody else, and he wandered alone.
    He passed by many doors, but he dared not open one.  Inside there might be virgins, and he was not a lumberjack.
    On the twelfth day he came to an elevator.  In the elevator were many buttons.  These are the buttons in the elevator in the hallway of the ship that was called Orgy:
    Hetero-generic; Homo-generic; Bi-generic; Trans-generic; Pan-sexual; Teens and Virgins; MILFS; Anal; Submission and Domination; Legs, stockings, and feet; Traps; Gangbangs and reverse gangbangs; I just want a rim-job, bro; I’m feeling lucky.
    And there was another button, away from the others, and the word upon it was written in flame.  The word was MANIAC.  Jim said, “Fuck it,” and he pushed the MANIAC button. 
    5
    So Jim came to the Pleasure Dome.  The dome was high and the space was wide, and he beheld within it the orgy of the flesh of wild souls.
    There was a bulletin board, and upon it were posted several upcoming challenges and events.  There was a kick-fucking endurance challenge, an under-vodka deepthroat relay, a long distance ejaculation competition, and an aerial Kama Sutra exposition.
    Jim went to the bar.  He ordered a neat whiskey.  A woman approached him.  Her curves were thick and her swagger was supernal.  She drank a martini.
    “You must be new,” she said.
    “How did you guess?”
    “You look confused.  But mostly it’s the way you’re not fucking anybody right now.”
    “Anything I should know about this place?”
    “Well, there aren’t any hard rules, but raping is bad etiquette.  I wouldn’t kiss anybody, either.”
    This was a strange juxtaposition.  “Why no kissing?”
    The woman set down her martini and whispered into his ear, “Lips lie.  Fucks fly.”
    So they fucked upon the bar.  It was not intimate, nevertheless it was awesome.  When they finished, Jim fired his ejaculate high into the dome and it was a firework that flashed and made an emerald glow.
    And beneath the emerald glow Jim