Bite Me Read Free Page B

rises and they go out.
    And I was all, “Oh, hell no.”
    So I had them bronzed.
    I’m looking at them now. We posed them like Rodin’s The Kiss and they shall be together unto the end of time, or at least until we figure out how to let them out and not have them tear out our throats and whatnot. Foo says it’s cruel, but the Countess told me that they could go to mist, and when they are mist time passes like a dream and it’s all good.
    But Foo did figure out his serum thingy. We lured the Animals to our love nest and while I was wearing the fly leather jacket that Foo made me, complete with the UV LED warts, which is very cool and cyber, I drugged them and Foo changed them back to human. And the crazy old Emperor guy said he saw three young vampyres take the old vampyre and the formerly blue ho away on a ginormous yacht, so we don’t have to worry about them anymore.
    Foo wants to cut Flood and Jody out of the bronze statue during the day, while they are sleeping, and turn them back to human. But the Countess doesn’t want that. So I think we should just wait. We have this très cool apartment, and all of the money, and Foo almost has his master’s in bio-nerdism or whatever, and I only have to go home like twice a week so the mother unit still thinks I am living there. (The key was to condition her from age twelve that sleepovers are normal. Lily, my former sleepover BFF, calls it slowly boiling the frog, which I don’t know what it means, but it sounds darkly mysterious.)
    So, we are secure in our love nest and as soon as Foo gets home I am going to reward him with the slow booty dance of forbidden love. But something is screeching outside. BRB.
    Fucksocks! It’s Chet the huge shaved vampyre cat, down on the street. He looks bigger, and I think he ate a meter maid. Her little cart is running and there’s an empty uniform on the curb.
    Bad kitty! GTG L8erz.

2

Test
    1. The Countess Abigail Von Normal is:
A. Emergency Backup Mistress of the Bay Area Dark.
B. A Gothic hottie consumed by the banal hopelessness of existence.
C. Not perky, but dark, complex, and très mysterious.
D. All the above, and possibly more.
2. The vampire Flood and his nosferatu maker, the Countess Jody, were imprisoned in a bronze shell in the pose from Rodin’s The Kiss because:
A. Their love is eternal and their mingled souls will live on in romantic embrace to the end of time.
B. Foo and I were pretty sure that the Countess would go FOAKES (Freak Out and Kill Everything in Sight) when she found out our plan to turn the Animals back to human.
C. We just like to look at our friends, naked and bronzed, because it gets us all hot.
D. I can’t believe you picked “c.” You should get a big “L” tattooed on your forehead to save people time in figuring out what a ginormous loser you are! You wish that Foo and I needed pervy preludes to stimulate our orgasmic, toe-curling soul-sex. Trust me, the sun weeps that it cannot achieve the blistering hotness of our nookie.
3. Despite myths perpetrated by jealous day dwellers, the nosferatu are only vulnerable to the effects of:
A. Garlic. (Right, because pizza and the breath of vegans will quell their ancient power.)
B. Crosses and holy water. (Oh right, because creatures of darkest evil are total bitches of the baby Jebus.)
C. Silver. (Uh-huh, and aluminum, because that makes sense.)
D. Sunlight.
4. My and Foo’s greatest challenge as minions is to protect our dark masters, the Countess and Lord Flood, from:
A. Cops, specifically Inspector Rivera and his clueless Gay Bear partner Cavuto.
B. The most crusty old vampire and his mysterious fashion-vamp posse.
C. The Animals, slacker wastee night crew from the Marina Safeway.
D. All of the above and whatnot.
5. Our best chance of defeating Chet, the huge shaved vampire cat, is:
A. Mouse ninjas.
B. A big hug while wearing my most fly UV-LED leatherjacket, fashioned for my protection by my aforementioned muffin master, Foo.
C. A saucer of tuna blood