Being a Boy Read Free Page A

to feel like very square pegs being squished into round holes.
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    Go easy on your grown-ups.
This is a tough time for them too.
    1. You getting old means they are definitely getting old.
    2. They miss the cute baby version of you.
    3. You might have very different ideas about your future.
    Mum: ‘I really think you should stick with the football team.’
    You: ‘I JUST WANT TO WRITE MY EFFING HAIKUS. LEAVE ME ALONE.’
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    JUST REMEMBER: BEING COOL STARTS WITH LIKING YOURSELF, NO MATTER WHAT CHANGES YOU’RE DEALT.
I’M COOL, YOU’RE COOL
    T he worst and inevitable part of a social hierarchy is the rule that allows people to get ahead by climbing on top of others. This is called ‘vertical climbing’.
    If our zoo was stacked this way, the insouciant lions would be on top, the tragic voles at the bottom and the stick insects tucked away where no one could see them. Upward mobility is possible, of course. As we grow up, things change. No one is stuck. But how do you change your cool status? Not by willy-waggling, obviously.
    Here’s an idea then: you could publically target someone with the same status as you. You could then humiliate him, you could spill water on his crotch to make everyone think he peed himself – TIMELESS! HILARIOUS! Or you could put him down to show everyone how cool you are. By comparison you will automatically level up. You can go up the whole ladder this way. Terrorise and trample others at every rung of the ladder until you’ve passed them by.
    Hopefully you recognise this is NOT a great idea. This is prime SHITWEASEL behaviour. Sadly, shitweasels exist at every stage of the social ladder. Hard to like and hard to respect, it’s nonetheless a strategy which works. If shitweaseling works somewhere it will spread like wildfire.
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    Note to shitweasels: If you trample people to get to the top, they will be only too pleased to kick you all the way back down.
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    This is why bullying is inevitable and depressing. If everyone is trying to get ahead by using insults and attacks, on any given day a boy will be both bully and victim in his quest to get to the top.
    Being truly cool is about being secure with yourself and being secure with those around you. If you’re happy being you, you don’t feel the need to put others down anyway.
    It is a quick fix to pick on someone’s appearance, gender, background or sexual orientation. You might get a quick laugh, but you will not gain cool. Remember: The lions are cool because they are cool with everyone else. Nothing fazes them.
SO HOW DO YOU BECOME COOLER?
CONFIDENCE
    N ot the confidence to sign up to be Danny in a terrible stage version of Grease, or the confidence to jump off a bridge on a springy rope over a crocodile-filled river. It’s the confidence that YOU ARE ALREADY COOL. This sounds like utter shite, but just by being yourself and owning it, you are already cool.
    You are full of Nerve, Uniqueness, Talent and Skill (or NUTS), you just might not realise it yet. You’ve probably spent most of your school career trying to hide them. Well, no more! Good at tap-dancing? Get on a table and wow people. Know everything there is to know about Doctor Who? Wear that scarf with pride. If you are confident at being you, then nothing anyone does or says can really dent the surface. The daft thing is, it really is that simple. You don’t need to willy-waggle, you just need big NUTS.
A DEBBIE-DOWNER
    I f you’re feeling fragile, perhaps leave this section for another time. (I’m sorry, but I’m going to get all Serious Sally for the next few minutes.) We’ve accepted that shitweasels and baboons are inevitable, but what if it’s worse than a bit of banter?

    The tricky thing with bullying is recognising it. I don’t think anyone wakes up and thinks, ‘oh I’m going to do some bullying today’, but we get caught up in what feels like a joke. Well, it’s not very funny if the joke’s on you. If you’re honest, I bet you’ve been