Being a Boy Read Free

one thing is clear: They are quietly cool. Cool is as effortless as a granny slipping on an icy path. Being NOISY and cool is more in line with jabbering baboons, who are prone to ‘willy-waggling’.
    This term refers to hyper-masculine displays of MANLINESS. Grrrr! * pounds chest * , * eats baby * . Jabbering baboons in particular will jostle on the greasy ladder to get to the top. They will shout, banter, fight and show off. (Jabbering baboons can be witnessed on any town’s high street at about 11:30 on a Friday night dragging their knuckles along a vommity pavement, kebab entrails dangling from their mouths.) In short, it’s a penis parade: who is the BIGGEST, LOUDEST and STRONGEST dick in the zoo?
    To an extent, willy-waggling works. If you declare your own magnificence loudly enough, you might gain a good position on the pole. But would you respect someone who gained this status through noisy thuggery? As willy-waggling is ALWAYS unpleasant to behold, perhaps what the waggler has gained is notoriety instead of cool.
    Willy-waggling is a side-effect of insecurity. Observe figure b.

    figure b
    As you can see, the more insecure a person is the more prone they are to willy-waggling. Insecurity is another way of saying you are worried about being you. If you are anxious that people won’t like or accept you it might make you want to willy-waggle to create a penis-shield to hide your fear. But as mentioned before, observers are more likely to say ‘look at that dick.’ Insecurity is not cool, and willy-waggling will make people think you are an insecure baboon.
    Don’t get me wrong, baboons are a brilliant and entertaining part of a zoo visit, but they are nothing compared to the lions. Insouciant lions do not need to willy-waggle. On any trip to the zoo, I have only ever seen lions lounging around in the sun but I still wouldn’t go in the enclosure. The beast has my respect even though he has done nothing. Or has he?
    In actual fact, the insouciant lions are doing something. They are doing nothing. Are you with me? By refraining from willy-waggling, they are sending out a clear message that they are secure in themselves. They like themselves therefore you should, too.
    Getting people to like you starts with liking yourself.
EVERYONE HATES CHANGE …
    B ut change is inevitable. Being angry about the changes that are happening to your body is about as productive as shouting at the clouds on a rainy day.
    That said, with so much going on puberty can be a really unsettling time. You’ll welcome some of the changes, after all, who doesn’t love having genitals that now feel like a furry gerbil, but some might be more problematic and cause feelings (remember we discussed feelings?) of insecurity.
    The classic example are those angel-faced choirboys who can no longer hit the high notes once their balls drop. (FYI, that phrase is used a lot, but your balls don’t drop very far at all. You won’t be in Asda when a testicle suddenly pops out the bottom of your jeans.)
    You may find your body uncooperative physically. As you get bigger you may find yourself less athletic, fast or flexible – a real worry for our high-flying eagles. You will certainly find yourself getting more tired than before as energy is redirected into growth. That said, you may also find unexpected benefits. If you suddenly shoot up to six foot five, a whole new career in basketball might open up to you.
    No matter what you pull out of the puberty grab bag, all of these things are a real head trip. Imagine a caterpillar becoming a butterfly, he must be all like, ‘Holy crap, I can fly, you guys!’ He’s become something new, and so have you.
    Up to this point, your identity is largely shaped by your parent or carer, but your brain is very much affected by puberty too and you’ll develop a much keener sense of who you are. EVERYONE is undergoing this rapid change and influx of brain chemicals called hormones. Even the insouciant lions are going