Becoming Me Read Free Page A

is, I do! I really do! And it makes me really mad to think that something so simple should suddenly feel so totally complicated.
January 5, Friday (tough choices)
    Today, Jenny Lambert invited me to sit with her and her friends at lunch. Beanie, at the time, was nowhere in sight (unbelievable luck!). So I said, “Sure, why not.” Man, I thought I must’ve died and gone to heaven—either thator maybe she was teasing. But no, it was true. And so there I sat with them (Jenny and another cheerleader, both wearing their uniforms, and a couple of her other friends too). The most incredible part was that I didn’t make a total fool of myself.
    The secret, I’ve decided, is 1) not to seem overly excited by the whole thing, 2) not to try too hard to impress anyone, and 3) [perhaps most importantly] not to talk too much. But let me tell you, it’s a tricky balancing act, at best. I mean, if you’re too quiet they think you’re all stuck up—and that is totally not acceptable when they’re the ones who are supposed to be snubbing you. But then if you act all happy and pleased to be with them, they’ll treat you like you’re part of their little geek outreach program, and for sure that’ll be the last time you get to sit at their table. Now don’t ask me how I know all this, I think it’s like osmosis—like where you just absorb information without knowing it. Or maybe it’s because I’ve been secretly observing them for the past few years. Just like that little kid with her nose pressed up against the candy store window. Pretty pitiful, isn’t it? But the good news is—I didn’t totally blow it today.
    After school, I did get a chance to talk to Beanie about ignoring her yesterday (and I knew by then that she was purposely ignoring me out of pure spite, and maybe hurt feelings too). Of course, my explanation and apology didn’t go too well. Just like I thought, she didn’t understand at all. She always acts just like she could care less about who’s popular and who’s not. At least Ithink it’s an act—you can never be too sure with Beanie, she’s so dramatic about everything all the time. I must admit she’s one of the best actors in the drama department. She’s always trying to get me involved, but the problem is I just freeze up in front of crowds. Maybe I’m getting better at this acting business now. I mean, look how cool I can act around Jenny and her friends. In fact, Beanie should be proud of me. But of course she’s not.
    Anyway, I told her to give me a break—and that all I want is to have some more interesting friends. Now that was the totally wrong thing to say to someone like Beanie. I know it really hurt her feelings.
    “So, I suppose I’m not interesting enough for you?” she practically screams as we wait for the school bus (yes, embarrassingly enough, we still ride the school bus). Then she storms off and sits next to this other girl on the bus without saying another word to me. (And let me tell you, it’s bad enough riding the school bus, but it’s absolutely the worst when you can’t even sit with your friend!) This is the first time I can remember making her that mad. But maybe it’s a good thing just now. I really do think I need some space from her—just for the time being. Besides, Beanie is Beanie, and I’m pretty sure she’ll always be there for me—you know, when I need her.
    So, enough about Beanie. Anyway, here’s the really good news. Jenny asked me to go to the mall with her tomorrow—she’s going to get her hair cut almost just like mine. I don’t think I’ll have too hard of a time convincing my parents that Jenny is okay. Especially since her dad isthe superintendent of the school district (which sort of makes him my mom’s boss). Also, I know they’ll respect that Jenny’s a cheerleader. My mom was a cheerleader (way back in the dark ages) and I don’t know how many times she’s nagged at me to try out, but I always refuse. (I say I think it’s