Beating Around the Bush Read Free

particularly if you’re buying a stranger a drink and he is reciprocating beer for beer. Do not discuss politics, football, or even religion.
    Warning—the worst thing you can do while waiting is make friends with someone else’s child. Once the kid discovers you’re a patsy, he will drive you crazy. No matter how cute they look, remember, they’re a pain in the neck to somebody.
    These are just a few ways to wait in the airport. They were given to me by frequent flyers who know the ropes.

    Waiting is now more fun than flying, except if security makes you take off your clothes.

Let’s Not Forget the Lobbyists
    ENRON’S DIFFICULTIES not only gave us a lesson in Economics 101, but they also explained how Washington operates.
    Everyone in Enron played his role—from the executives in the company and their accounting firm, to the lawyers who served them so well. But none of them could accomplish what they did without the Washington lobbyists. They are the ones who protect companies from a government that cannot be trusted.
    Lobbyists are just like you and me—they put on their golf shoes one foot at a time. But you have to be qualified to be a lobbyist. Many, if not all, are recruited from Congress. They have decided they are fed up with politics and want to make some big money for a change, or have lost an election and are not fit to do anything else.
    Lobbyists are very friendly people. They call lawmakers and administration officials by their first names: “Ted,” “Terry,” and “George.” Theirs is the only profession, except for the FBI, that makes house calls.
    The job of the lobbyist is to stop a law that will hurt his clients and lobby for a bill that will make everyone rich.
    This is an example of how it works. The Hidden Valley Gas and Power Company has ex-Senator Glad Handle on its payroll to lobby for them in Washington. Glad Handle is a Republican, and
he replaced ex-Congressman Taylor Bluewhistle, a Democrat, who was fired after Al Gore lost the election.
    Glad moves between the Capitol, the White House, and any agency that can affect Hidden Valley business.
    Let’s say Congress wants to pass a law forbidding Hidden Valley from delivering natural gas and smoking cigarettes at the same time.
    What Congress doesn’t know is that Hidden Valley owns a cigarette company as well as a gas company. Banning smoking near a gas plant will seriously hurt their tobacco business.
    Glad invites Senator Carl Fiddle to Burning Tree Country club. Fiddle is in charge of the Smoking and Energy Committee. He is greeted warmly by Handle, who says, “Remember when we filibustered an equal rights bill together?”
    They play eighteen holes and then Glad asks Fiddle, “How’s the election campaign going?”
    “We could use $100,000 in soft money to buy sweatshirts for our volunteers.”
    Glad takes out his checkbook and says, “Why didn’t you say that before?”
    Senator Fiddle replies, “You’re a lobbyist, so we hated to ask you for something. If we take your money what can we do for you?”
    “Nothing much. If you want to hold up the Anti-Smoking Gas bill in committee, that would be fun.”
    “It’s done.”
    “What about getting the oil rights to West Point?” Glad asks.
    “I know the person at EPA you should ask for.”
    Glad says, “Can I buy you a beer?”
    “You know, Glad, that’s against Senate rules.”

Which God Is Your God?
    THE ARGUMENT STARTED late at night in a bar, where most arguments begin.
    Cornblatt said, “I wish to God I didn’t have to go home tonight.”
    Rutherford said, “There is no God.”
    And suddenly all of us were off and running.
    I asked Rutherford if he was an atheist and he denied it. He said, “I don’t believe there is no God, I believe there are too many gods.”
    George, the bartender, was happy to serve us all drinks, as it was a slow night.
    “And what in God’s name does that mean?” I asked.
    Rutherford said, “Everyone in the world seems to have a